CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
HEY, THOSE ARE FOR MY FRENCH CLASS.
OH, BUT I LOVE SPRINKLES.
FINE. JUST EAT IT.
HEY, I'M REALLY HUNGRY, TOO.
PLEASE.
JUST TAKE THE PLAIN, OK?
OH, THANK YOU.
OH.
AH!
PEOPLE ARE WALKING HERE, OK?
GOD!
NOW THEY'RE DIRTY,
SO JUST EAT THEM.
[LAUGHING]
HERE.
THANKS.
WHAT? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
MY PROBLEM IS YOUR FACE, DIRTBAG.
OOH HOO HOO!
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER?
RICKY DUMPED HER THIS MORNING.
SHE'S ON THE WARPATH.
WELL, IF SHE'S LOOKING FOR NEW CUSTOMERS,
I'M UP FOR A TEST DRIVE.
SHUT UP, DANIEL.
KAREN, WAIT UP!
JEEZ, PERRY, YOU'RE LOOKING HUGE.
YEAH? WELL, I BEEN WORKIN' OUT AFTER SCHOOL.
ARRR!
OOH!
SORRY, LITTLE GUY.
I DIDN'T SEE YA. YOU ALL RIGHT, PAL?
HUH? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, YOU OK?
THAT G I CAN'T BREATHE.
UY HIT YOU IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS.
FELLAS...
MY BROTHER SENT ME THIS AMAZING CHEM SET.
I PROPOSE AFTER SCHOOL WE MAKE SOME ACID,
POUR IT ON THE SIDEWALK, AND WATCH IT KILL BUGS.
[BANG]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THAT'S MY LOCKER.
OH...I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW. I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE.
SEE? THIS IS MINE.
I JUST GOT HIT IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS,
SO I'M A LITTLE OUT OF IT.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR LIFE STORY, OK?
I WANT YOU TO MOVE YOUR ASS!
HEY, KAREN, WAS THIS GUY TRYING TO BREAK INTO YOUR LOCKER?
NO! NO. I WAS JUST CONFUSED.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT ITWASMY LOCKER.
YEAH. YOU ARE VERY CONFUSED, PEE-WEE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE EVEN IN THE RIGHT SCHOOL?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
14.
YOU CAN'T BE 14, MIDGET.
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HIT PUBERTY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I KNEW IT.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HAIR IN YOUR PITS.
COME ON, KAREN. LET'S GO.
YOU SWEAR YOU'RE 14?
THEN YOU'RE A GEEK.
THIS IS YOUR LOCKER?
THERE. NOW YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHICH ONE'S YOURS AND WHICH ONE'S MINE.
OK, GEEK?
Bill: YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR IN YOUR PITS?
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATIO
GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DA 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
HAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REAY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I'M NEVER GNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
NOT ME!
Daniel: SO WHY DID RICKY BREAK UP WITH KAREN?
IS SHE, LIKE, A PRUDE?
DID SHE NOT, YOU KNOW...
GO THE DISTANCE?
[LAUGHING]
DISTANCE?
NO, SHE'S NOT A PRUDE.
SHE'S A SLUT, OBVIOUSLY.
OBVIOUSLY.
SHE'S A FRIEND OF YOURS.
LAST WEEK, SHE STARTED GETTING IT ON WITH RICKY'S OLDER BROTHER.
OH, COOL.
YESTERDAY...
HE WALKED IN ON THEM.
EW!
WHO WALKED IN ON WHO?
"WHO WALKED IN ON WHO?"
GOD, PEOPLE ARE SO GOSSIPY AT THIS SCHOOL.
IT'S, LIKE, GET A LIFE, YOU KNOW?
EH...
MMM.
OH.
WHAT'S UP WITH HER?
[SIGHS]
HI.
UH, THAT'S GARY ROSS' SEAT.
OH.
BUT HE'S SICK.
HE HAS IMPETIGO.
WHAT?
ARE YOU GONNA SIT OVER HERE NOW?
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING ABUSED TODAY.
I MEAN, I GIVE UP, YOU KNOW?
I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO BE NICE TO HER,
AND IT'S LIKE, UNH!
NO MATTER WHAT I DO, YOU KNOW?
OH!
MMM!
ARE YOU OK?
MM-HMM.
LOOK, I'M GONNA GO TALK TO KIM RIGHT NOW.
NO. NO, NO, NO. DON'T.
YEAH, I AM BECAU--
LINDSAY, IT--
LINDSAY, IT'S REALLY COOL WHEN YOU HANG OUT,
AND SHE SHOULDN'T RUIN EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY
JUST BECAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS ON HER PERIOD, YOU KNOW?
NO, NICK, IT'S OK.
NO, IT'S NOT OK.
IT'S--YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT OK.
THAT'S THE THING.
JUST--PLEASE DON'T.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER.
PROMISE ME YOU WON'T.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT. OK.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
THANKS.
A DEFACED LOCKER...
A HUMILIATED FRESHMAN...
AND A BUSTY SUCCUBUS FROM HELL--
PERHAPS WE'VE LEFT McKINLEY HIGH
AND ENTERED THE CHILLING CORRIDORS OFTHE TWILIGHT ZONE.
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE INSPECTED YOUR PITS.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YA.
[BELL RINGS]
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I MEAN, FIGHT HER?
SHE'S A GIRL.
MY DAD HAS A RULE: YOU DON'T FIGHT GIRLS.
MY DAD HAS A RULE:
YOU DON'T PISS YOUR PANTS AT SCHOOL.
HEY, I DIDN'T PISS MY PANTS!
HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ARTWORK?!
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THAT!
I--I WASHED IT OFF.
YEAH? WELL, HOW YOU GONNA REMEMBER WHERE YOUR LOCKER IS?
I'LL REMEMBER.
NO, YOU WON'T.
LISTEN...
I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO FIGHT YOU.
HAH...
IS T YOU WANNA FIGHT ME, HUH?
HAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WANNA MIX IT UP A LITTLE BIT?
OOH...
WHAT WAS THAT, BILBO BAGGINS?
I--I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. IT WAS HIM.
ARE YOU GUYS DEFORMED OR SOMETHING?
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE DEAL?
LOOK, I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO MARK THAT LOCKER AGAIN.
THIS TIME... IN GEEK BLOOD.
WELL, I'D BETTER GET TO CLASS.
I, UH, I HOPE SHE MEANT YOUR GEEK BLOOD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, KIM WANTS ME TO WAIT FOR HER.
SHE'S ON THE PHONE WITH HER MOM.
Kim: I SAID, IDON'T KNOW. ARE YOU DEAF?!
NO. I'LL TRY, OK? I'LL TRY.
I'LL TRY!
GOD, WOULD YOU QUIT YELLING AT ME, YOU PSYCHOPATH?!
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE A DRAG.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GOIN' OUT WITH HER.
SORRY.
[LAUGHS]
NO. I KNOW.
SHE CAN BE COOL IF YOU GET TO KNOW HER.
YOU KNOW, MOTHER,
YOU HAVE REALLY LOST IT THIS TIME!
NO--WELL, YOU NEED HELP!
[SLAMS DOWN TELEPHONE] GOD!
WELL, AS USUAL, MY MOTHER IS BEING A TOTAL SHREW.
[BELL RINGS]
OH, BIOLOGY.
I THINK I HAVE A TEST,
SO I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
SEE YA.
SO, HOW'S IT GOIN'?
WHAT?
I SAID, HOW'S IT GOIN'?
FINE...
I GUESS.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' LATER?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, MEET ME AFTER SCHOOL, OK?
WE CAN HANG.
OK.
I HEARD ABOUT WHAT SHE DOES IN THE YEARBOOK DARKROOM.
WHAT SHE DOES?
WHAT?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
SHE DOES IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "IT"?
SHE...
FORNICATES IT.
OK?
I DOUBT IT.
AND SO WHAT IF SHE DOES?
I JUST THINK IT'S SAD.
WE CAN'T ALL BE GIRL SCOUTS, MILLIE.
[BELL RINGS]
AND I EXPECT LEGIBLE HANDWRITING!
I CAN'T SPEND MY TIME TRYING TO DECIPHER YOUR CHICKEN SCRAWL.
THAT'S NOT MY JOB.
YOU GOTTA COME SEE THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
HURRY, MAN.
WHAT'S A PYGMY?
IT'S A DWARF FROM AUSTRALIA.
IT'S JUST A NICKNAME.
HEY, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T GET RID OF THAT,
YOU'RE GONNA BE CALLED PYGMY GEEK FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS.
OH, JEEZ!
WEIR!
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
Boy: OOH!
OH, GROW UP!
SOMEONE WROTE ON MY LOCKER.
SO THIS IS YOUR LOCKER?
YEAH.
NO. THIS IS THE SCHOOL'S LOCKER.
THAT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE REPAINTED, BUB.
IT WASN'T ME.
THIS WASN'T YOU?
WELL, YEAH, BUT--
YOU KIDS DON'T RESPECT SCHOOL PROPERTY.
I MEAN, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT.
OK, I WANT YOU TO WRITE AN ESSAY
BY TOMORROW, 500 WORDS--
"WHY VANDALISM-- WHY THE PROPERTY OF SCHOOL
SHOULD BE RESPECTED AND WHY WE SHOULD RESPECT IT,"
AND I WANT THAT ESSAY ON MY DESK TOMORROW,
OR YOU'RE GONNA BE ON TRASH DETAIL FOR A WEEK, YOU GOT ME?
[LAUGHING]
YEAH. LAUGH IT UP.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, LINDSAY, WHERE YOU GOIN'?
I DUNNO.
HOME.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?
WHAT?
DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER?
UH...
DID NICK SAY SOMETHING TO YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DID NICK TELL YOU TO BE NICE TO ME?
WELL...YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I JUST FIGURED
SINCE WE HAVE TO SEE EACH OTHER ANYWAYS ALL THE TIME,
WE MAY AS WELL TRY TO GET ALONG.
SO DO YOU WANNA COME OVER TO MY HOUSE OR NOT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FINE. JUST FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, I TRIED.
KIM!
YEAH.
YEAH, WHAT?
YEAH, I'LL HAVE DINNER AT YOUR HOUSE.
ALL RIGHT.
MY PARENTS ARE JERKS.
THEY LOVE TO KILL MY BUZZ,
BUT AFTERWARDS WE CAN DITCH 'EM, AND, I DUNNO,
GO CATCH A MOVIE OR SOMETHING?
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL P
ICK YOU UP AT YOUR HOUSE AT 5:30.
OK.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 5:30!
YEAH. LATER.
HEY, HONEY.
HOW WAS SCHOOL?
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, OK?
OH, OK, THEN.
SAMUEL, YOU ARE GOING TO RUIN YOUR DINNER.
I'M LOADING UP ON CARBS.
BUT WE'RE HAVING CARBS FOR DINNER.
YOU WANT ME TO STAY A MIDGET? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
YOU ARE NOT A MIDGET.
YEAH, I AM, AND IT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NO FOOD IN THIS HOUSE.
I'M MALNOURISHED.
NO FOOD?
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
HUH?
FRUIT ROLL-UPS, BEEF JERKY.
YOU'RE JUST--
YOU'RE JUST FINICKY.
MOM, IS IT OK IF I SKIP OUT ON DINNER TONIGHT?
WHAT? WHY?
WELL, I WAS INVITED OVER TO KIM KELLY'S.
WHO'S KIM KELLY?
Lindsay: SHE'S JUST A FRIEND.
OH, NEW FRIEND?
WHAT'S SHE LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S JUST A GIRL.
KIM KELLY'S A PSYCHO.
SHE AND KAREN SCARFOLI?
WELL, UH...
THEY'RE VIOLENT.
THEY RUN AROUND THE SCHOOL BEING EVIL.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY NICE.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A GIRL LIKE THAT?
SHE'S NOT EVIL, MOM.
SHE'S JUST DIFFERENT.
SHE DOESN'T WEAR FRILLY DRESSES
OR PRANCE AROUND LIKE A CHEERLEADER.
JUST 'CAUSE A GIRL SPEAKS HER MIND
DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S A PSYCHO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YESTERDAY.
I'M MAKING VEAL PICCATA.
MAYBE ANOTHER NIGHT.
MOM, SHE'S COMING TO PICK ME UP IN 15 MINUTES.
FINE. EAT WITH YOUR FRIEND.
WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH KIM KELLY?
DON'T TALK TO ME, OK?
KIM KELLY'S MY ENEMY.
LOOK, IF YOU'RE GONNA START BEING A TATTLETALE
AND TRYING TO GET ME INTO TROUBLE,
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO A DIFFERENT HIGH SCHOOL.
I DON'T NEED SOME SPY REPORTING ON MY EVERY MOVE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH HER.
WELL, WHY NOT?
BECAUSE SHE AND HER FRIENDS ARE MEAN TO ME.
THEY WROTE "GEEK" ON MY LOCKER.
WELL, MAYBE YOU ARE A GEEK.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
OH, COME ON, SAM, LIKE I MEANT THAT.
HEY, MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.
HA HA!
OH, MAN!
I GOT THE WORST CRAMPS.
I JUST ABOUT DIED ON THE WAY OVER HERE.
HEY, KIM.
CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
CAN YOU QUIT PICKING ON MY LITTLE BROTHER?
OH, YEAH.
I KEEP FORGETTING HE'S YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER GEEKS.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
I HATE LINDSAY AND HER STUPID FRIENDS.
YOU DON'T HATE YOUR SISTER.
YEAH, I DO. SHE SUCKS.
SAMUEL, DON'T EVER USE THAT DISGUSTING WORD AGAIN.
SORRY.
OH, WHOA, WHOA
JAMIE'S CRYIN'
OH--
[TURNS OFF RADIO]
ALL RIGHT,
I'M WARNING YOU RIGHT NOW.
MY PARENTS ARE SERIOUSLY WACKO.
YEAH. MINE, TOO.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
NO. MINE ARE MENTAL, OK?
UH...OK.
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A REASON TO SELL MY GREMLIN.
THEY ARE?
GOD, THEY'RE SUCH CHEAP BASTARDS!
BUT MY AUNT KATHY GAVE ME THIS CAR, AND IT'SMINE.
RIGHT.
MY AUNT KATHY WAS SO RAD.
SHE LIVED IN L.A.
SHE WAS ONKOJAK.SH
E DOINKED RYAN O'NEAL ONCE AT A PARTY.
WOW! SHE SOUNDS AWESOME.
YEAH. WELL, SHE'S DEAD.
SHE O.D.'d ON COKE.
[SIGHS]
SO, YOU SEE...
THERE'S A LOT RIDING ON THIS DINNER.
I CAN'T LOSE MY CAR. YOU GET IT?
I DON'T KNOW IF I DO.
[SIGHS]
ROLL UP MY WINDOW.
I DON'T WANT MY CAR TO GET STOLEN.
MY PARENTS HATE EVERYBODY.
THEY HATE DANIEL.
THEY CAN'T STAND KAREN.
THE ONLY PERSON THAT THEY LIKE IS YOU.
BUT I'VE NEVER EVEN MET THEM.
YEAH. WELL, I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT YOU,
HOW YOU'RE LIKE THIS GOLDEN GIRL AND EVERYTHING,
HOW YOU GET GOOD GRADES.
MY MOTHER'S GOING TO BE PRESSING YOU FOR INFORMATION.
JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,
I SPEND THE NIGHT AT YOUR HOUSE EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT,
AND LAST WEEKEND, WE WENT UP TO YOUR VACATION HOUSE
IN BENTON HARBOR AND WENT WATER-SKIING.
WE...WHAT?
HI THERE.
YOU MUST BE LINDSAY.
YEAH.
IT'S REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU.
OH.
KIM, DID YOU PICK UP ANY SODA?
I FORGOT.
YEAH?
WELL, I FORGOT TO MAKE YOU DINNER.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
COME ON IN.
SO...
KIM SAYS YOU'RE A GENIUS.
NO, I'M NOT.
AT ALL.
[COUGHING]
I--I GET GOOD GRADES, I GUESS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HELP OUT KIM?
SHE'S HANGIN' ON FOR DEAR LIFE.
B.S. I GET GOOD GRADES.
OH, I HATE TO BLOW YOUR MIND, SISTER,
BUT Ds ARE NOT GOOD. Ds ARE BAD.
[CHUCKLING]
I GOT ONE "D," OK?
I TOLD YOU MY HISTORY TEACHER WAS A PERVERT.
I WASN'T ABOUT TO GO TO HIS HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL TO GET "TUTORED."
CAN IT, KIM. YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP CHIP.
[SNORING]
AT LEAST I KNOW HOW TO READ.
WHAT WAS THAT?
NOTHING.
SO...
I HEAR YOU GIR HAD A FUN WEEKEND.
YEAH, IT WAS GREAT.
WE WENT WATER-SKIING. I LOVE TO WATER-SKI.
AND, UH, YOU GOT A VACATION HOUSE UP THERE IN BENTON HARBOR?
MM-HMM.
THAT MUST BE NICE, HUH?
YOUR FAMILY MUST BE VERY WEALTHY.
HARDLY. KIM [THUMP]
SAYS THAT YOU ARE, UH, AFFLUENT.
WELL, WE DO ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT.
MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS A FARMER NEVER REVEALS HOW MANY COWS HE'S GOT.
[LAUGHS]
YOUR OLD MAN'S A FARMER?
NO. HE OWNS, UM, A-1 SPORTING GOODS.
REALLY?
CAN HE GET US A DISCOUNT?
WHAT?
WELL, WE DON'T LIVE IN A MANSION HERE, AS YOU CAN SEE.
WE DON'T HAVE A SWIMMING POOL
AND TENNIS COURT, THE WAY YOU DO.
HEY, WE MAY NOT BE RICH, BUT WE GET BY.
WE'RE REMODELING.
OH, AND TAKE YOUR TIME WITH THAT.
I LOVE RELIEVIN' MYSELF BEHIND A SHOWER CURTAIN.
EWWW!
SMELLS LIKE FART.
HERE. HOLD THIS TEST TUBE.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I'M NOT GONNA GET MY FINGERS MELTED OFF
JUST SO YOU CAN GET A KICK, OK?
I NEED THESE FINGERS.
WHY? SO YOU CAN PICK YOUR RUMPUS?
JUST HOLD THE TEST TUBE.
NO. I READ IN THIS MAGAZINE
ABOUT A CHEMICAL THAT BURNS YOUR FLESH.
OK, THIS KID JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT ON HIM
AND NOW HE'S GOIN' TO DISNEYLAND FOR HIS LAST HOORAH.
YOU--YOU GUYS...
I'M WRITING AN ESSAY.
COULD YOU JUST, LIKE, BE QUIET, PLEASE?
OK?
ALL RIGHT.
HOW MANY WORDS YOU GOT?
33.
IT'S SO UNFAIR!
I MEAN, IF I HAVE TO WRITE AN ESSAY,
THEN KAREN SCARFOLI SHOULD HAVE TO WRITE A BIG, FAT BOOK.
I THINK SHE'S A SEX FIEND.
YOU SHOULD MOVE YOUR LOCKER.
WHAT IF SHE COMES TO SCHOOL REALLY HORNY ONE DAY?
GIRLS DON'T GET HORNY.
THEY DON'T?
ONLY GUYS GET HORNY.
MAYBE KAREN SCARFOLI'S A GUY.
SAM, IF IT WAS ME,
I'D GO TO KAREN SCARFOLI'S HOUSE AND MAKE HER WRITE IT.
YEAH, I'M SURE YOU WOULD.
I WOULD.
YOU CAN'T LET CH
ICKS HUMILIATE YOU LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC.
SHE DID NOT HUMILIATE ME.
UH...SHE KINDA DID.
OK, ALL RIGHT, THEN WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE STARTED PICKING ON YOU?
YOU RAN AWAY, BILBO BAGGINS.
YEAH? WELL, AT LEAST, I'M NOT A PYGMY.
SO, HOW LONG YOU HAD THAT HOUSE UP THERE IN BENTON HARBOR, LINDSAY?
OH...
A FEW YEARS.
YEAH. YOU KNOW, I DID WAITRESS UP THERE ONE SUMMER,
SO I KNOW THE AREA PRETTY GOOD.
WHERE'S YOUR HOUSE AT?
IT'S...BY THE WATER.
YEAH. WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD?
UH, IT'S, UH...
[MUMBLING] OVER BY THE--
UH, MOM, LINDSAY INVITED ME UP THIS WEEKEND
TO GO FISHING.
CAN I GO?
WHAT STREET IS IT ON?
BENTON HARBOR...
STREET.
YOU ARE A LYING BRAT!
I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU.
I'M NOT LYING. YOU GUYS JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
I CAN MAKE A FRIEND WHO'S RICH AND SMART.
SHE'S NOT SMART.
Kim: NO, SHE IS! SHE'S REALLY SMART!
I SWEAR TO GOD, SHE'S SMART!
SHE'S A BUM, LIKE ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS!
WH'S HAPPENING?
IT'S THAT CAR!
YOU'RE DRIVING AROUND TOWN,
YOU'RE TRAMPING IT UP IN THAT CAR!
I KNOW WHAT YOU DO!
YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW!
I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!
YOU'RE GUNDED FOR GOOD, YOU GOT ME?
NEWS FLASH. YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER,
FAT ASS!
DAMN RIGHT, I'M NOT!
AW, THAT'S IT! WE'RE SELLING THE CAR!
NO!
THAT'S MY CAR!
AUNT KATHY GAVE ME THAT CAR!
OH, YEAH? WELL, YOUR AUNT KATHY
SPENT $1,000 OF MY MONEY
SNORTING IT UP HER NOSE,
SO AS FAR AS I'M C
ONCERNED, THAT CAR IS MINE!
FINE! I'M OUTTA HERE.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T. NO. NO!
YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT ANYWHERE.
GO TO THE CAR, LINDSAY!
GIVE ME THOSE KEYS!
Kim: GO TO THE CAR!
Stepfather: HEY!
Kim's mother: GIVE ME THE KEYS! GET HER KEYS!
GIVE THEM TO ME!
HEY!
LINDSAY, GO!
Stepfather: GIVE ME THE KEYS!
OW!
GIVE ME THKEYS. GIVE ME THE KEYS!
HEY!
OPEN THE DOOR!
KIM!
AAH!
OPEN THAT DOOR!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
GET INSIDE!
WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, SISTER!
[POUNDING ON HOOD]
GET OUT OF THAT CAR!
Mother: THAT'S MY CAR! NOW GET OUT!
KIM, HURRY!
Mother: IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK!
DON'T YOU START THIS CAR!
GO!
YOARE NEVER COMING BACK HERE!
I'M CALLING THE COPS ON YOU!
JUST LOOK AT THIS!
LOOK AT THIS KID.
YOU SPOIL HER!
OH, STOP IT!
THIS IS MY CAR, MY CAR, MY CAR, MY CAR!
MINE! MY CAR! MY CAR!
GOD!
UNH!
ARE YOU OK?
BENTON HARBOR STREET?
YEAH, WELL, I'VE NEVER BEEN TO BENTON HARBOR, OK?
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD'VE JUST TOLD ME YOU WERE USING ME.
YEAH, WELL, MY PARENTS ARE ALWAYS ON MY ASS ABOUT WHERE I'M GOING.
YOU KNOW, SHE THINKS I'M A LOSER.
SHE THINKS ALL MY FRIENDS ARE LOSERS.
I JUST--
WANTED TO BRING HOME SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
I'M SORRY, OK?
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
WHATEVER.
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE TOLD ME.
OHH! MY STEPFATHER WANTS TO SELL MY CAR.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WITH ALL THE DIRT I HAVE ON HIM,
HE'D BETTER JUST WATCH IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?
I'M GOING TO FIND DANIEL.
WHEN HE HEARS ABOUT THIS, HE'S GOING TO FLIP OUT.
[ENGINE STARTS]
SO [TIRES SQUEAL]
RRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOU'RE THE GEEK.
WHAT?
YOU HEARD ME.
YOU'RE THE GEEK.
I MAY
BE SOME THINGS, BUT I'M NOT A GEEK.
HEY, YOU GUYS, LET'S GO MAKE SOME ACID
AND POUR IT ON THE SIDEWALK.
WON'T THAT BE FUN?
HEY, H
EY, WATCH IT. THAT STUFF IS EXPENSIVE.
YOU'RE 14 YEARS OLD AND YOU STILL PLAY WITH CHEMISTRY SETS?
UH, HEY, NIMROD,
ADULTS PLAY WITH CHEMISTRY SETS, TOO.
THEY'RE CALLED SCIENTISTS.
HOWEVER, I DON'T KNOW TOO MANY ADULTS
WHO STILL PLAY WITH THEIR TONKA TRUCKS.
I DON'T PLAY WITH TONKA TRUCKS.
YOU WANT TO GO ON THE RECORD WITH THAT STATEMENT?
I GAVE THEM AWAY, LIKE, YEARS AGO.
UH, AHEM!
MAY I DIRECT THE JURY'S ATTENTION
MAY TO EXHIBIT "A"?
I DIRECT THE JURY'S ATTENTION TO EXHIBIT "A"?
YOU AND YOUR LAME IMPERSONATIONS.
EVER THOUGHT ABOUT TEACHING A CLASS IN GEEK?
HEY, AT LEAST I'VE GOT HAIR IN MY PITS.
OK. OK. HEY, BILL.
BILL.
WHO'S THE BIGGER GEEK?
ME OR NEAL? YOU DECIDE.
LIKE, I DON'T--
NEITHER?
COME ON. YOU GOTTA CHOOSE.
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, WHAT'S GEEK MEAN ANYWAY?
I MEAN, IT'S JUST-- YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST A WORD.
COME ON, BILL.
YEAH, PICK.
I GUESS...SAM.
OH, AND THE VERDICT IS IN.
HEY, YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL SO ASHAMED.
THERE ARE A LOT OF FAMOUS GEEKS IN HISTORY--
EINSTEIN, GILLIGAN, GOMER PYLE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALL THE S--
HEY, HEY, HEY, COME ON!
CUT IT OUT!
STOP IT!
HEY!
GIVE IT A REST! COME ON.
STOP IT.
STOP!
YOU'RE GOING TO TEAR MY SWEATER.
YOU DONE WITH YOUR LITTLE HISSY FIT?
STOP IT! HEY, STOP! GET OFF ME!
[HISSING]
GUYS, GUYS!
MY CHEMISTRY SET! OH!
WHAT IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW!
COVER YOUR FLESH. COVER YOUR FLESH.
ALL RIGHT.
OK, OK.
THAT'S IT.
GUYS, GET OUT! NOW!
THERE'S HIS CAR.
HIM AND NICK LIKE TO COME HERE
AND SHOOT HOOPS SOMETIMES.
ALL MY FLAVORS ARE GUARANTEED TO SATISFY
WELL, I'M USUALLY PASSIN' BY JUST ABOUT 11:00
I NEVER STOP, I'M USUALLY PASSIN' BY
JUST AROUND 11:00
KIM.
AND IF YOU LET ME COOL YOU ONE TIME
YOU'LL BE MY REGULAR STOP
ALL RIGHT, BOYS...
Kim: YOU ARE DEAD!
YOU ARE SO DEAD! DO YOU HEAR ME?
YOU ARE DEAD! BOTH OF YOU ARE DEAD!
AAH!
I'M YOUR ICE CREAM MAN
STOP ME WHEN I'M PASSIN BY...
SHE'S PISSED.
[CAR APPROACHES, RADIO BLARING]
[ENGINE AND RADIO STOP]
WELL, MAYBE IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
I MEAN, MAYBE THEY WERE JUST GOOFING AROUND.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
[CRYING]
OH, GOD.
GOD, KIM, I'M SO S--
DON'T TOUCH ME!
JUST DON'T TOUCH ME.
I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
HE'S THE NICEST GUY I'VE EVER MET.
YOU KNOW?
AND HE'S SUCH A BABE, TOO.
I MEAN, HE'S SEXIER THAN ROD STEWART.
DON'T YOU THINK?
YEAH, HE'S A REALLY GOOD-LOOKING GUY.
I MEAN, DANIEL-- DANIEL IS A NORMAL GUY, YOU KNOW?
HE'LL SCREW ANYTHING THAT MOVES.
AND THAT'S WHY I GOT TO STAY ALERT.
I HAVE TO BE A BITCH, YOU KNOW?
OH, MY LIFE SUCKS!
NO, IT DOESN'T.
MY PARENTS HATE ME!
I DON'T HAVE YFRIENDS!
YOU'RE, LIKE, MY ONLY FRIEND, LINDSAY,
AND YOU'RE-- YOU'RE A TOTAL LOSER.
NO OFFENSE.
SAM, SLOW DOWN. IT'S NOT A RACE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
OH, HE USUALLY NEVER EATS,
AND JUST LOOK AT HIM.
OH, HE'S FINE.
HE COULD USE A LITTLE MEAT ON HIS BONES.
I'M JUST WORRIED HE MIGHT HAVE WORMS.
SAM, DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE WORMS?
NO.
Lindsay: MOM?
HEY, LINDSAY. OH.
IS THIS YOUR NEW FRIEND?
YEAH.
WE'RE GOING TO BE IN MY ROOM.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ANY DINNER?
NO, WE'RE FINE.
WHAT YOU EATIN'?
OH, VEAL PICCATA.
IT LOOKS GOOD.
WELL, SIT DOWN.
I'LL GET YOU BOTH A PLATE.
[SNIFFLING]
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, KIM?
MOM, SHE'S HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HER BOYFRIEND.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, OK?
[CRYING]
THERE, THERE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A GUY.
RIGHT?
WHY ARE GUYS ONLY INTERESTED IN SEX?
IT'S SO SICK.
[CRYING]
[BURPS]
[CRYING]
[BURPS LOUDER]
DAMN.
WHAT IS IT, SAM?
IS HE GOING TO BLOW UP?
THAT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD PIECE OF VEAL WASTED.
I'M TELLING YOU, I THINK HE HAS A PARASITE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
I'LL GET IT.
HELLO.
YES, THIS IS SHE.
OH, YES. YEAH,
THEY'RE BOTH RIGHT HERE.
SHE IS?
SHE DID?
REALLY?
OH, MY.
NO, I HAD-- I HAD NO IDEA.
OH. NO.
VACATION HOME WHERE?
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
DOES ANY OF YOUR FAMILY SHOP AT MY STORE?
YEAH, BUT MY MOM HATES GOING THERE
'CAUSE IT'S SO OVERPRICED.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GET THE SAME STUFF AT SPORTSMART FOR A LOT LESS.
Jean: THANK YOU FOR LETTING US KNOW.
YOU DON'T SAY?
OK, YES. THANK YOU. GOOD-BYE.
LINDSAY, CAN I SEE YOU IN THE KITCHEN FOR A SECOND?
THAT WAS KIM'S MOTHER ON THE PHONE.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE WAS YELLING AT ME.
SHE SAID YOU TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE A VACATION HOME IN BENTON HARBOR,
THAT YOU AND KIM STAY OUT ALL NIGHT
AND SLEEP WITH BOYS,
AND THAT I SHOULDN'T BELIEVE A WORD YOU SAY.
LOOK, MOM, NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.
KIM GOT IN A FIGHT WITH HER PARENTS,
AND MRS. KELLY'S JUST UPSET.
WELL, NOW I'M UPSET.
VERY UPSET.
MOM, COME ON. I BARELY KNOW KIM.
GOOD. MAYBEI THAT'S FOR THE BEST.
DON'T THINK SHE'S AVERY POSITIVE INFLUENCE.
BE A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING, MOM.
KIM COMES FROM A BROKEN HOME.
HER PARENTS ARE DERANGED.
NOT EVERYBODY'S FAMILY IS LIKE OURS.
I KNOW THAT. I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU--
MRS. WEIR, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DINNER.
IT WAS REALLY GREAT.
YOU GUYS HAVE SUCH A NICE HOUSE.
YOU THINK IT'D BE COOL IF I HUNG OUT HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT?
MY HOUSE IS SUCH A NIGHTMARE RIGHT NOW.
OH, OF COURSE.
JUST, PLEASE, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
THANKS.
YOU THINK SHE MIGHT LIKE SOME ICE CREAM?
I THINK HE'S STONED.
STONED? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GUYS GO DOWN TO THE BEACH
AND SHOOT SOME CLAMS?
Kim: I HATE COP SHOWS.
COPS ARE SUCH PIGS.
YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER GOT AMBUSHED BY COPS ONCE.
THEY BEAT HIM ON THE HEAD WITH THEIR BILLY CLUBS.
OH, MY. WHAT WAS YOUR BROTHER DOING?
NOTHING. HE WAS JUST DRUNK, MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS.
THE COPS JUST WENT NUTS ON HIM.
NOW HE SLEEPS ALL DAY ON THE COUCH,
AND HE NEVER PARTIES.
I THINK HE'S GOT BRAIN DAMAGE.
TAKE THESE THINGS, HAVE THEM ANALYZED...FAST.
NICK?
NOT THAT WAY!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT!
HEY. HEY, LINDSAY.
HEY, NICK. WHAT'S GOING ON?
UM, DANIEL'S WAITING OUT AT THE CAR,
AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO KIM.
Lindsay: I DON'T THINK NOW IS A VERY GOOD TIME.
SHE'S REALLY MAD.
OH, NO.
HEY, KIM. HEY, THANKS A LOT
FOR ALMOST RUNNING ME OVER BACK THERE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UM, DANIELS OUT AT THE CAR,
AND HE WOULD LIKE TO TALK WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU, HIS CHORE BOY?
WHY DON'T YOU GO TELL YOUR MASTER
THAT I DON'T EVER WANT TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN?
HE'S SCUM!
WH HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE.
DON'T YOU GO TELL HIM YOURSELF?
NO WAY. I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE.
YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT.
GO TELL HIM TO GO TO HELL!
KIM, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T GO OUT THERE,
THEN HE'S JUST GOING TO COME IN HERE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO THE BOY...
OUTSIDE.
JUST TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL, HONEY.
I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN...
EVER!
SO YOU CAN ALL JUST BITE ME!
IF SHE'S PLANNING ON SLEEPING OVER,
SHE CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.
YOU SCARED ME!
CRAP!
GET OUTTA HERE.
WHAT?
YOU HEARD ME. GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
AFTER ALL YOU DID TO ME TODAY.
WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?
YOU WROTE GEEK ON MY LOCKER.
HEY, I DIDN'T DO THAT. KAREN DID THAT.
OH, YEAH, WELL, SHE'S YOUR FRIEND,
AND YOU WERE LAUGHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE THAT WRITTEN ON YOUR LOCKER?
JEEZ!
NOW I HAVE TO WRITE THIS STUPID ESSAY.
OK, LISTEN. KAREN ISNOTMY FRIEND, OK?
JUST WAIT.
TOMORROW SHE'S GOING TO LRN.
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
JUST DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER. SHE'S DEAD MEAT.
REALLY?
SHE MESSED WITH THE WRONG PERSON THIS TIME.
I'M JUST GOING TO BREAK HER ARMS.
SERIOUSLY?
AND AFTER I BREAK HER ARMS,
I'M GOING TO TAKE A WRENCH,
AND I'M TO PULL OUT HER TEETH ONE BY ONE.
AND THEN I'M GOING TO TAKE A MATCH,
AND I'M GOING TO SET HER HAIR ON FIRE.
WELL, DON'T HURT HER TOO BAD.
JUST WAIT.
SHE'S GOING TO WISH SHE WAS NEVER BORN.
KIM?
HEY. KIM?
HEY, LINDSAY, HOW'S IT-- HOW'S IT GOING?
IT'S GOING BAD.
HEY, THOSE GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE UP, YOU KNOW?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SHE'S REALLY PISSED.
SHE'S ALWAYS PISSED OFF, YOU KNOW?
YOU JU KIM!
ST GOT TO TRY TO, LIKE, CALM DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
I KNOW. IT'S JUST, TONIGHT HAS BEEN REALLY INTENSE.
YEAH, YOU SEEM REALLY TENSE.
HEY, COME HERE.
UM, HERE.
AAH! AAH! HAROLD!
LADY, I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.
I'M JUST LOOKING FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
MOM?!
HEY, LINDSAY, THE DOOR WAS OPEN, SO--
WHO'S THIS PUNK?
UH, DAD, THIS IS DANIEL.
HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE FROM SCHOOL.
JEEZ, KID, YOU EVER HEAR OF A DOORBELL?
PEOPLE DO HAVE HEART ATTACKS, YOU KNOW.
OH, YEAH. SORRY, POPS.
[DOOR OPENS]
WHERE'S KIM?
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT,
SO WHY DON'T YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE?!
HEY, WILL YOU LET ME EXPLAIN?
EXPLAIN WHAT, THAT I HATE YOU?
HEY, I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'.
OH, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
I'M SORRY, THAT MUST'VE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE.
WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN
AND NOT BE A BITCH FOR ONE SECOND?
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
WHATDID YOU CALL ME?
HUH?
I SAID CALM DOWN! OK?
JUST DON'T--
UNH!
I SAW HER SUCKING ON YOUR FINGER, DANIEL!
WHAT ELSE HAS SHE SUCKED ON, HUH?
ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?
NO, I AM NOT HIGH!
JUST DON'T! YOU KNOW?
JUST DON'T LIE TO ME!
I'M NOT LYING.
DON'T LIE TO ME!
I'M NOT LYING.
JUST DON'T! YOU KNOW?
JUST STOP LYING TO ME!
I KNOW THAT YOU SLEPT WITH HER!
I'M NOT LYING.
OK?
I'M NOT LYING.
OH, JUST--
I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'.
THERE'S ONLY YOU.
OK?
GOD, YOU SUCK.
THERE'S NOBODY BUT YOU.
MOM, DAD.
OK?
NO.NO, IT'S NOT OK.
I'M STILL MAD AT YOU.
IT'S JUST--NO.
LINDSAY, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
MOM, DAD, THIS IS NICK.
UH, OH, HELLO.
HI. HEY, MR. WEIR.
HI, MRS. WEIR.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT'S, LIKE,
CH A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU GUYS FINALLY.
UH, LINDSAY TURNED OUT GREAT!
SHE'S...SO GREAT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANKS.
Nick: HEY, SO, UM, LISTEN,
DO YOU GUYS MIND IF I HAVE THIS FRUIT ROLL-UP?
OH, NO. PLEASE-- GO--PLEASE, GO AHEAD.
ENJOY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
SURE.
[KIM LAUGHING]
I THINK THEY'VE MADE UP.
LET'S GO CHECK ON THEM.
MOM, NO. OH, LINDSAY.
I THINK WE DESERVE TO SEE A HAPPY ENDING,
DON'T YOU, HAROLD?
[LAUGHTER]
THESE FRIENDS OF YOURS
GOING TO BE LEAVING OUR HOUSE IN THE NEAR FUTURE?
MOM, WAIT.
Kim: OHH!
OH, MY.
LISTEN, UH, I JUST OH, Y,WANTED TO TELL YOU
I THINK YOU GOT A GREAT STORE.
THERE'S A LOT OF GREAT STUFF IN THERE.
I BOUGHT A BASKETBALL IN THERE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
IT STILL WORKS AND EVERYTHING.
HEY, L GOOD.
ISTEN, YOU GUYS MIND IF I HAVE THESE OR--
OH, PLEASE, GO AHEAD.
TAKE THEM.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR DINNER AND ICE CREAM AND EVERYTHING.
IT WAS REALLY GOOD TO MEET YOU GUYS.
SUPER NICE.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR PARENTS.
OH! DON'T REMIND ME.
HEY, YOU THINK IT'S COOL IF I LEAVE MY CAR HERE TONIGHT?
I'LL PICK IT UP TOMORROW.
WE COULD HANG OUT.
GREAT.
MAYBE WE CAN ALL HAVE DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
WELL, I GOT A TON OF HOMEWORK TO DO,
SO I GUESS I BETTER GO HIT THE BOOKS.
HUH, DAD?
GOOD NIGHT.
THIS ISN'T GOOD.
NO.
HEY.
HI, SAM.
YOU GOING TO CLASS?
YEAH.
HEY, SAM WEIR.
WHERE'S MY ESSAY?
OK. YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO?
WE'RE GOING TO POST THIS ON YOUR LOCKER
SO THAT EVERYONE IN McKINLEY
CAN LEARN FROM YOUR LITTLE MISTAKE.
ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP.
IF YOU KIDS WANT TO LIVE IN TRASH,
THAT'S FINE BY ME.
DID YOU DO THIS?
IDID IT.
BECAUSE YOU ARE A SLUT, SLUT.
HEY, HE HIT ON ME.
OH, YEAH? WELL, AFTER SCHOOL,
I'M GOING TO HIT ON YOU.
SEE YOU THEN.
BYE.
HEY, KIM, THANKS. THAT WAS REALLY COOL.
NO PROBLEM, GEEK.
"PUBERTY USUALLY BEGINS
"BETWEEN THE AGES OF 11 AND 14
"WHEN PROFOUND HORMONAL CHANGES OCCUR.
"THE ONSET OF THESE CHANGES
"IS THE FUNCTION OF A SMALL GLAND
"CALLED THE PITUITARY.
"THIS GLAND SENDS CHEMICAL SIGNALS THROUGHOUT THE BODY,
"MOST NOTABLY RESULTING IN HEIGHT INCREASE,
AND HAIR GROWTH IN THE GENITAL AREA."
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, HEY! KNOCK IT OFF!
YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
JUST TRY ME.
HERE IS, OK, ALL RIGHT.
UH, THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.
"THE UTERUS IS COMPOSED OF 2 MAIN PARTS..."
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
YOU THINK SHE'S SINGLE?
LOOKS LIKE IT'S FROM OUTER SPACE.
SHUT UP.
Mr. Fredricks: WEIR!
YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY?
NO, SIR.
WHEN YOU GET THE CLAP
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION IN HEALTH CLASS,
IS THAT GONNA BE FUNNY, TOO?
NO.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
"THE CERVIX. IT HAS A FINE CANAL RUNNING THROUGH IT
OPENING INTO THE CAVITY OF THE UTERUS ABOVE."
DIDN'T SIGOURNEY WEAVER
KILL THAT THING INALIEN?
QUIET.
"DURING PREGNANCY..."
REMEMBER WHEN IT POPPED OUT OF THE GUY'S STOMACH?
NO, IDIOT, IT JUMPED OUT OF HIS CHEST.
Mr SHUT UP.
Fredricks:SI ALL RIGHT, WEIR!
NCE YOU SEEM TO KNOW EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T I SHUT MY BIG MOUTH,
AND YOU COME UP AND TEACH THE CLASS.
SORRY.
I SAID GET UP HERE.
Mr. Fredricks: GET UP HERE! LET'S GO.
OH, UH, EXCUSE ME, DR. LOVE?
CAN YOU SHOW ME WHERE THE OVARIES ARE LOCATED?
OVARIES? OVARIES.
[IMITATES BUZZER] SORRY.
UH, CERVIX? CERVIX.
CERVIX SAYS NO.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, ALL RIGHT--
PACHOSKI, YOU WANT TO GO HELP HIM?
HUH?
THE VAGINA, WEIR, THE VA--
EASY ONE, EASY ONE.
BASIC STUFF, GUYS KNOW IT.
GO AHEAD, POINT TO IT.
I--I DON'T KNOW.
ALL RIGHT, MR. WEIR,
INSTEAD OF YUCKING IT UP IN CLASS,
OR YOU YOU MIGHT WANT TO PAY ATTENTION,
'RE GOING TO HAVE A VERY DIFFICULT LIFE.
OK? SIT DOWN, DR. LOVE.
[LAUGHTER]
DR. LOVE.
[SIGHS]
AT LEAST I DIDN'T GET HEAD LICE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATN
LIVIN' IN T PAST,IT'S A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
WHAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I'M NEV GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
NOT ME!
ANA.
THEY WERE DE-LICIOUS.
[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS PLAYING]
HEY, GOOD GAME ON SATURDAY, EDDIE.
JENNIFER,
I'VE BEEN HEARING SOME TERRIFIC THINGS ABOUT YOU
FROM MY SOURCES IN THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.
AS YOU WERE.
HEY, BRAD.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.
STOP BY THE OFFICE. WE'LL RAP.
SURE THING, MR. ROSSO.
PEACE, BROTHER.
ROCK ON, KIRBY.
[MUSIC FADES]
OK, MR. DESARIO,
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FAVORITE CLASS.
OK, COME ON, PEOPLE, SIMMER DOWN.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
THIS IS MY TIME, NOT YOURS.
HEY, CHATTY CATHY,
YOU SIT ON THE FURNITURE AT HOME?
OK, A REMINDER ABOUT TOMORROW'S TEST.
IT'S TOMORROW.
UH, KOWCHEVSKI?
DESARIO.
DIDN'T WE TAKE A TEST LAST WEEK?
YOUR POINT?
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
YOU'VE TAUGHT US ENOUGH IN THE PAST WEEK
TO GIVE US ANOTHER TEST.
OK, PEOPLE, IN MATH,
EVERY WEEK YOU BUILD OFF
WHAT YOU LEARNED THE WEEK BEFORE.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE A BUS.
AND YOU KEEP MISSING THE BUS,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO CATCH UP.
BUT, UH, I DON'T RIDE THE BUS, SIR.
YEAH, FLUNK ANOTHER TEST, DESARIO,
AND YOU JUST MIGHT HAVE TO COME BACK HERE NEXT YEAR
AND RIDE THE BUS WITH ME AGAIN.
...SO THE GUY LOOKS UP AT HER, RIGHT,
AND HE SAYS, "HOW DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
Jock: OH, MAN, THAT'S SO RAUNCHY.
I DON'T GET IT.
JO WHAT'S TO GET?
CKS DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL JOKES.
DO YOU GET IT?
I DON'T REALLY LIKE JOKES.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE FUNNY.
I MEAN, MAYBE IF WE UNDERSTOOD IT,
IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
THEY WERE LAUGHING PRETTY HARD.
TRUST ME, THEY'RE IDIOTS.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
HI, SAM.
OH-- HI, CINDY.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD, AND YOU?
UH, PRETTY GOOD.
ARE YOU GOING TO THE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY CARNIVAL?
I'M IN CHARGE OF THE ICE CREAM BOOTH.
YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.
OH, HEY, DR. LOVE,
HEY, I CAN'T FIND MY GIRLFRIEND'S CERVIX.
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
OK, WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, THAT WAS JUST... AN INSIDE JOKE.
ANYWAYS,
IF YOU NEED ANOTHER VOLUNTEER
FOR THE ICE CREAM BOOTH,
I'M AROUND.
WELL, THANKS, BUT BETSY'S ALREADY DOING IT.
BUT MAKE SURE YOU STOP BY, THOUGH.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, SEE YA.
HEY, TOMMY, ARE YOU COMING
TO THE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY CARNIVAL?
EXCUSE ME, DR. LOVE?
WOULD YOU AUTOGRAPH MY GENITALS?
I TOOK 20 BUCKS FROM MY MOM, RIGHT?
BUT SHE THOUGHT IT WAS MY BROTHER.
SHE COMPLETELY WENT NUTS ON HIM,
HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A SPATULA.
I MEAN, IT WAS HILARIOUS.
SOUNDS IT.
GOD! YOU BASTARD! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
GOD, WHAT ARE YOU, LIT OR SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW? JEEZ!
I'M SORRY. MELLOW OUT, ALL RIGHT?
YOU HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
KNOW, NOW I GOTTA WALK AROUND ALL DAY
WITH POP ON MY SHIRT.
YOU KNOW? THANKS A LOT.
YEAH, YEAH.
I GET THESE WEIRD URGES SOMETIMES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY GOPOLOGIZE.
HEY.
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH.
KOWCHEVSKI SAYS IF I FLUNK THIS TEST TOMORROW
I'LL HAVE TO TAKE ALGEBRA AGAIN.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FLUNK IT?
NO, I'M DEFINITELY GONNA FLUNK IT.
DO YOU TAKE ALGEBRA?
UH, NO. I TOOK IT LAST YEAR.
I TAKE TRIG.
YOU MUST STUDY A LOT.
MATH ISN'T THIS BIG DEAL THAT EVERYONE THINKS IT IS.
IT'S JUST A FEW BASIC FORMULAS AND SOME SHORTCUTS,
AND THEN YOU PLUG IN THE NUMBERS--
SHORTCUTS?
YOU MEAN, LIKE, TRICKS?
YOU COULD CALL THEM THAT.
YOU COULD DEFINITELY DO IT IF YOU WANTED TO.
OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I MEAN, IF I STUDY, I COULD DO IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A BUS DRIVER.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME.
IT'S SO LAME.
BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE IN KOWCHEVSKI'S CLASS AGAIN?
HELL, NO.
I'D RATHER BE IN JAIL.
WELL, I COULD HELP YOU STUDY.
IT COULD BE KIND OF FUN.
SO THE GUY SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
SO ITISFUNNY.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
YOU GUYS ARE SO YOUNG.
YOU'RE ONLY A YEAR OLDER THAN WE ARE.
YEAH, COME ON, HARRIS,
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Neal: HE DOESN'T GET IT, EITHER.
OH, I GET IT.
THEN TELL US.
Harris: I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE THEN YOU'D KNOW.
SO, THAT'S THE POINT, ISN'T IT?
YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES.
Sam: THAT'S WHY WE'RE ASKING.
I TOLD YOU. HE DOESN'T KNOW.
IF I DIDN'T KNOW, WOULD I BE WITH JUDITH HERE?
OH, HARRIS, YOU'RE SO BAD.
LOVE IS LIKE HOMEWORK.
YOU GOT TO STUDY IF YOU WANT TO GET AN "A."
SO THEN THE GUY SAYS, "HOW DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
DO YOU GET IT?
I DON'T.
DAD?
NO.
YOU KNOW WHO'S FUNNY?
THAT RED BUTTONS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO COULD THAT BE?
OH, THAT'S DANIEL.
HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE FROM SCHOOL.
Harold: I'LL GET THE DOOR.
IT'S DARK OUT, AND YOU'RE A--A GIRL.
HI, IS, UH, LINDSAY HERE?
YEAH.
OK, SO...HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
OK, WELL, IN YOUR TEXTBOOK...
DID YOU BRING YOUR TEXTBOOK?
NO.
I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE, HUH?
YEAH.
MAN...
SCREWED UP ALREADY.
NO, IT'S OK.
I THINK I HAVE MINE FROM LAST YEAR.
YOU KNOW OH, GRT.
, THERE'S THESE PRACTICE TESTS IN HERE,
AND THEY'RE KIND OF HELPFUL.
JUST TALKING ABOUT STUDYING MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE A NAP.
HEY, WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE.
I--I MEAN, I DON'T CARE.
IT'S JUST, MY PARENTS.
OH, RIGHT, I--I'M SORRY.
I GOT AN IDEA.
I'LL GO OUTSIDE AND SMOKE THIS,
BLAZE THROUGH THOSE TRICKS OF YOURS.
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
UH, UM...
NOTHING.
NOTHING?
WHAT'S THAT?
LET ME SEE.
THESE TYPES OF BOOKS JUST MAKE ME THINK OF ALL THE CRAP
THAT CAN GO WRONG INSIDE YOU.
WHY YOU READING THIS?
I'M TAKING SEX ED WITH MR. FREDRICKS.
HE EMBARRASSED ME
IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS
JUST BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE BIT BEHIND
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT SORT OF STUFF.
YEAH, I KNOW HOW THAT GOES.
YOU DO?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEARN
ANYTHING YOU CAN USE FROM A BOOK LIKE THAT.
I'M NOT?
NO.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL FIND YOU AT SCHOOL TOMORROW.
I'LL SET YOU UP.
WITH WHAT?
DON'T WORRY. IT'S COOL.
SO, LET'S TRY A DIFFERENT ONE.
HOW DO YOU SOLVE THIS TYPE OF PROBLEM?
USE THE QUADRATIC FORMULA?
EXACTLY.
AND WHAT IS THE QUADRATIC FORMULA?
"X" EQUALS...
NEGATIVE "B,"
PLUS OR MINUS...
THE SQUARE ROOT--
LINDSAY...
WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA TEACH ME TRICKS,
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT, LIKE, REAL TRICKS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LIKE MAGIC TRICKS?
I MEAN YEAH, WELL, SORT OF.
, RIGHT NOW YOU'RE KIND OF JUST TEACHING ME MATH.
WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T LEARN ALL THIS.
THE TEST IS TOMORROW.
THERE'S NO WAY.
I--I DON
'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
I'LL BE COOL.
REALLY?
YEAH.
HEY, I'M SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME.
NO. YOU DIDN'T.
OH OK.
, WANNA-- YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?
WELL, I DON'T THINK I CAN.
IT'S
A SCHOOL NIGHT AND EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OK?
YEAH, FINE.
SEE YA.
GOOD LUCK.
SEE YA TOMORROW.
KICK THE THING'S BUTT ANY DAY.
Sam: NO WAY! THE THING COULD DEFINITELY TAKE THE HULK.
EVEN IF THE HULK COULD BEAT HIM,
ALL IT HAS TO DO IS WAIT
TILL THE H
ULK TURNS INTO BILL BIXBY AGAIN
AND CREAM HIM, NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, WEIR.
COME HERE.
I GOT SOMETHING YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.
CHECK IT OUT, BUT DON'T LOSE IT.
OK.
I WANT IT BACK.
ALL RIGHT. RIGHT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
DON'T OPEN IT HERE, MAN.
I DON'T WANT IT GETTING CONFISCATED,
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
CONFISCATED?
COME ON, LET'S GO.
[DRUMMING ON LOCKER]
HEY, CHUMP.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
COME HERE.
I NEED T COME ON. ALL RIGHT.
O GET SOMETHING OUT OF THIS CLASSROOM.
IF YOU SEE KOWCHEVSKI COMING,
YOU JUST BANG ON THIS DOOR, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, DON'T SCREW ME OVER. LOOK ALIVE.
I'M ALIVE, MAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIT ME.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE OUT IN A SECOND.
HEY, NICK, WHAT'S UP?
OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, SARA?
DID YOU HEAR THAT DANIELLE AND I
WERE GONNA SING SUPER TROUPER
AT THE TALENT SHOW?
YEAH, WE OH, YEAH?
'RE GONNA DRESS UP LIKE ABBA.
WOW.
ABBA, HUH?
MM-HMM.
THEY'RE FROM... SWITZERLAND, RIGHT?
NO, I THINK THEY'RE FROM SWEDEN, ACTUALLY.
[DRUMMING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M, UH... THINKING ABOUT ABBA.
YEAH, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, UH, TALK TO YOU LATER.
I THINK I'M GETTING A WART ON MY WRIST.
JESUS, MAN,
THIS ALGEBRA TEST IS CRAZY.
WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS?
HOW DO YOU GET RID OF A WART?
HEY. I'M TRYING TO THINK HERE, OK?
I'M SORRY, MAN.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF MOVIE OR SOMETHING.
LET ME SEE THAT. LET ME SEE IT.
HANG ON.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A NAKED WOMAN.
WHAT'S SHE DOING?
WHO CARES WHAT SHE'S DOING?
SHE'S NAKED.
IT'S A DIRTY MOVIE.
YOU MEAN, LIKE A PORNO?
OH! EWW! GIVE ME THAT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A PORNO?
YOU WATCH IT...
OVER AND OVER.
EWW!
ONLY PERVE
RTS WATCH PORNOS, RIGHT?
WELL, THEN EVERY GUY IN AMERICA IS A PERVERT.
THE MEANING OF THAT JOKE IS RIGHT HERE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WATCH IT?
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PROJECTOR.
WELL, I DO. GIVE IT TO ME.
AFTER SCHOOL TODAY, WE GO TO MY HOUSE,
AND WE WATCH THIS MOVIE
FROM BEGINNING TO END.
AGREED?
OK.
HEY.
I GANKED THE TEST.
WAIT. WHAT?
I STOLE IT FROM KOWCHEVSKI'S OFFICE.
HE'S GOT NO CLUE.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
I CAN'T FIGURE ANY OF THIS OUT.
[STAMMERING]
I CAN'T.
SURE, YOU CAN.
THIS STUFF'S EASY FOR YOU.
NO, I MEAN...
I SHOULDN'T.
WHY NOT?
HEY.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GONNA BE HITTING YOU UP
EVERY TIME I HAVE A MATH TEST.
I PROMISE.
SO FOR THIS ONE...
LOOK, I DON'T MEAN TO BE UPTIGHT,
BUT IT'S JUST...
WHY DON'T I TALK TO KOWCHEVSKI?
WHAT? WHY?
I'LL ASK HIM FOR AN EXTENSION.
HE GAVE ME ONE ONCE. HE LIKES ME.
I'LL TELL HIM I'M TUTORING YOU
AND THAT YOU'RE GETTING THE HANG OF IT,
BUT YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE MORE TIME.
WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER TO FILL OUT THIS TEST?
LET ME TALK TO HIM, OK?
FORGET IT.
THAT DIRTBAG'S NOT GONNA GET AN EXTENSION.
BUT, MR. KOWCHEVSKI, I WAS WORKING WITH HIM LAST NIGHT,
AND HE'S REALLY LEARNING.
DANIEL'S THE KIND OF STUDENT
WHO NEEDS MORE ATTENTION, YOU KNOW?
NO. DANIEL'S THE KIND OF STUDENT
WHO NEEDS TO JUST DISAPPEAR.
EXCUSE ME?
LOOK, HE WASTES MY TIME.
HE WASTES CLASS TIME.
AND NOW HE'S WASTING YOUR TIME.
WELL, NO, HE'S NOT WASTING ANYBODY'S TIME.
I MEAN...CE ON,
ISN'T IT YOUR JOB TO TEACH HIM?
LINDSAY...
I KNOW DANIEL IS CUTE WITH HIS BEDROOM EYES
AND HIS STRINGY HAIR,
BUT HE'S A LOSER.
AND LOSERS PULL DOWN WINNERS.
NOW... YOU'RE A SMART GIRL.
DON'T LET YOUR HORMONES GET IN THE WAY.
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE'S THAT TEST?
IN MY JACKET.
LET'S GO.
OK
. 74 TIMES 23-- PUT THAT IN PARENTHESES.
AND X EQUALS 19Y,
AND Y EQUALS 8.
DAMN, IT'S WEIRD YOU CAN DO THIS IN YOUR HEAD.
LIKE A BRAINC OR SOMETHING.
THANKS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE KOWCHEVSKI'S FACE
WHEN HE HANDS THIS BACK TO ME.
THIS WILL BLOW HIS MIND.
YEAH, BUT, DANIEL, THIS ISN'T OVER, RIGHT?
I'M GONNA TUTOR YOU,
AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO STEAL ANY MORE TESTS.
NO. YEAH. I KNOW.
NO. I KNOW.
I'M GONNA BE, LIKE,
A GUY WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
AN ABACUS?
YEAH.
7Y4X EQUALS 9...
[LAUGHS]
Kowchevski: COME ON, PEOPLE.
THIS IS JUST A TEST, NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.
IF YOU'RE PREPARED,
YOU GOT NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.
LINDSAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
TURNS OUT YOUR FRIEND DANIEL
DIDN'T NEED THAT EXTENSION AFTER ALL.
HE GOT AN "A" ON THE ALGEBRA TEST.
YEAH, WELL, I TOLD YOU I HELPED HIM STUDY.
DID YOU HELP HIM CHEAT?
NO.
I'VE GOT AN ANONYMOUS NOTE THAT SAYS YOU DID.
WELL, I DIDN'T.
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
I THINK YOU DID.
WE'LL DEAL WITH THIS TOMORROW.
YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE, YOUNG LADY.
WHY WERE YOU TALKING TO MR. KOWCHEVSKI?
HUH?
ARE YOU JOINING THE MATHLETES AGAIN?
NO.
JEEZ.
SORRY I ASKED.
YOU HAVE POPCORN?
BILL, THIS IS A PORNO.
YOU DON'T EAT POPCORN DURING A PORNO.
THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.
YEAH. COULD'VE MADE OUR OWN PORNO BY NOW.
HEY, DO YOU WANT THE PROJECTOR TO EAT THE FILM
AND HAVE THAT DANIEL GUY KILL YOU?
'CAUSE, I MEAN, WE CAN DO THAT, TOO.
ALL RIGHT. THERE.
KILL THE LIGHTS.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
HERE WE GO.
WOW.
HO HELLO.
W'D YOU LIKE TO COME HOME TO THAT EVERY NIGHT?
WOW.
HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE.
OY!
Bill: OH, MY GOD.
UH...
THIS IS...WEIRD.
WOW.
THAT GUY'S GOT THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD.
HEY, YOU THINK THERE'S ANY SHORT PORN STARS?
I'M SO DEAD.
WHAT DID YOU TELL KOWCHEVSKI?
NOTHING.
DID YOU TELL HIM THAT WE CHEATED?
NO.
HE COULD SEE IT ALL OVER MY FACE.
THEN IT'S NOT OVER.
ANONYMOUS NOTE?
THAT MEANS NOTHING.
GET IN.
AS LONG AS WE DON'T, YOU KNOW, ADMIT IT,
THEY GOT JACK ON US.
YOU WANT TO DENY IT?
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
DANIEL, I DON'T--
LISTEN, LINDSAY.
YOU'RE GOOD AT MATH.
I'M GOOD AT THIS SORT OF THING.
AND WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS,
YOU DENY EVERYTHING.
BUT I'M NOT A GOOD LIAR.
LINDSAY, I GOT YOU INTO THIS.
I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT OF THIS.
BUT YOU GOTTA TRUST ME.
WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
SO, YOU WANT ME TO THREAD IT UP AGAIN?
I'M GOIN' HOME.
ARE WE GONNA GO TO HELL FOR THIS?
I DON'T WANNA GO TO HELL.
HEY, SAM.
YOU HARDLY TOUCHED YOUR CHICKEN LA KING.
AREN'T YOU HUNGRY?
HUH?
UH, NO.
I HAD A REALLY BIG... SNACK AT NEAL'S.
AFTER SCHOOL.
MAY I BE EXCUSED?
OK. BUT WE'RE HAVING CHOCOLATE COCONUT SQUARES FOR DESSERT.
UH...
MAYBE LATER.
ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE.
Harold: OF COURSE.
HE'S AT THAT STAGE.
YES, I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY.
ALL RIGHT. GOOD-BYE.
YOU WENT THROUGH THAT.
YOU WOULDN'T EAT A THING.
THAT WAS MR. KOWCHEVSKI ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, MY DAUGHTER IS NOW A CHEATER.
SH WHAT?
E CHEATED ON A MATH TEST.
NOW SHE'S FACING SUSPENSION.
MY AUNT SALLY. LINDSAY!
IT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU'RE A GOOD STUDENT.
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD CHEAT.
WELL, SHE'S HANGING AROUND WITH THE WRONG CROWD.
THEY'RE LYING AND CHEATING, AND, NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
SHE'S PATTY HEARST, AND SHE'S GOT A GUN TO OUR HEAD.
DAD, I JUST TOLD YOU IT'S NOT TRUE.
MAYBE I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
YOU DON'T EVEN ASK ME MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
YOU JUST JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS AND START YELLING AT ME?
GOD, THAT IS SO SICK.
YOU KNOW...FINE.
BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANNA BELIEVE.
I DON'T EVEN CARE.
WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT.
[DOOR SLAMS]
SO THEN THE GUY SAYS TO HER,
"HOW DO YOU THINK I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
[LAUGHTER]
IT
'S A PRETTY GOOD ONE, HUH?
LINDSAY.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
SOME OF THE MATHLETES HAVE BEEN SAYING THINGS...
ABOUT YOU.
YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND...
THAT YOU CHEATED ON A MATH TEST.
I TOLD THEM THAT'S IMPOSBLE.
EVEN THOUGH LINDSAY'S NOT A MATHLETE ANYMORE,
SHE WOULD NEVER BREAK THE LEAGUE'S CODE OF HONOR.
YEAH? WELL, GUESS WHAT, MILLIE?
I DID CHEAT.
I LIED AND I CHEATED,
AND THEN I LIED SOME MORE.
[LAUGHING]
YOU'RE FUNNY, LINDSAY.
I KNEW IT WASN'T TRUE.
[SIGH]
SO...
ANYONE SEE DUKES OF HAZZARD LAST NIGHT?
YEAH.
IT WAS A GOOD ONE.
YEAH. BOSS HOGG IS REALLY FUNNY.
Cindy: WHAT'S GOIN' ON, GUYS?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER. BYE.
HEY, SAM.
UH...WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UM, WELL, I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT WITH THE ICE CREAM BOOTH
'CAUSE BETSY CAN'T MAKE IT TO THE CARNIVAL.
UH, WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT, EITHER.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
UM, I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.
SO...
YEAH, OK. SURE.
UH, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
WASN'T THAT GREAT WHEN THE DUKES
HANDCUFFED ROSCOE, ENOS, AND BOSS HOGG TOGETHER?
THAT WAS...REALLY FUNNY.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME
BEFORE THE MEETING THIS AFTERNOON?
JUST...
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
YOU KNOW...
SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED TO ME
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
GOT A MINUTE?
I GUESS.
I FELT BAD FOR THIS KID.
BRUCE CONFORTI.
SO I'D KINDA "HELP" HIM ON BIOLOGY TESTS.
OK, WE CHEATED.
BUT AFTER A WHILE,
I REALIZED HE WAS THE ONE BEING CHEATED,
OUT OF SOMETHING PRICELESS--
KNOWLEDGE.
SO ONE DAY, I JUST TOLD HIM,
I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT ANYMORE.
AND--
HE STUDIED AND HE GOT ALL As HIS OWN.
CLOSE. HE BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME.
AND WHEN I SAY, BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME,
I MEAN, THE LIVING CRAP.
ALL I DID WAS HELP DANIEL STUDY.
OK. I TRUST YOU.
HEY, KIM.
WHERE'S DANIEL?
I DON'T KNOW. BEATS ME.
WE HAVE A DISCIPLINARY MEETING AFTER SCHOOL.
UGH.
YOU NERVOUS?
YOU KNOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DANIEL GETS OUT OF STUFF LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I SHOULDN'T FEEL BAD, RIGHT?
I MEAN, KOWCHEVSKI IS A JERK,
AND I'M GONNA TUTOR DANIEL,
AND HE'LL PASS THE CLASS.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA WORK OUT, RIGHT?
[LAUGHING]
I'M SORRY.
YOU THINK THAT YOU AND DANIEL
ARE GONNA BE, LIKE, STUDY BUDDIES?
HE WANTS TO LEARN.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE NEXT TEST?
HE'LL JUST GET THE ANSWERS FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
HE ALWAYS DOES.
AH!
HEY. HEY.
YOU READY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN?
PARTNERS IN CRIME?
GIVE ME FIVE.
HEY, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN'.
ALL RIGHT.
OW!
HI.
ANOTHER TH
ING THEY DO IS THE OLD COP TRICK.
THEY'LL GET YOU ALONE,
AND THEY'LL TELL YOU I CONFESSED.
BUT DON'T BELIEVE 'EM.
I'LL NEVER CONFESS, OK?
WELL, I'M GOING TO.
I CAN'T KEEP LYING.
WHAT I WHAT? WHY NOT?
S THIS, SOME KIND OF GAME TO YOU?
YOU ALREADY GOT ME TO CHEAT
AND TO LIE TO MY PARENTS AND TO MR. ROSSO.
I MEAN--
I KNOW, BUT... WHY STOP NOW?
WE'RE ALMOST HOME FREE.
ALL RIGHT. LINDSAY. LINDSAY, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES AND YOUR TRANSCRIPT.
BUT IF YOU GET SUSPENDED,
IT GOES ON YOUR TRANSCRIPT.
THEN YOU REALLY WILL BE SCREWED.
YOU'RE MANIPULATING ME
WHAT?
YOU'RE MANIPULATING ME.
NO, I'M NOT.
AN YES, YOU ARE.
D, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY HARD TO SAY NO TO YOU,
I' BUT I HAVE TO.
M SORRY. I CAN'T GO IN THERE AND LIE.
I'M NOT GOING TO. OK, FINE.
DON'T LIE. WHAT?
NO, LET'S GO IN THERE, AND WE'LL TELL 'EM WHAT WE DID.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
YOU'LL GET A NICE SLAP ON THE WRIST,
AND I'LL GET, WHAT, SUSPENDED? EXPELLED?
THAT IS NOT FAIR, DANIEL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I WANT TO BE TERRIBLE AT SCHOOL?
YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
I WISH I WAS AS SMART AS YOU.
I WISH IT ALL CAME EASY TO ME.
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS... WHEN I WAS IN SIXTH GRADE,
THEY TOLD US WHEN WE GOT TO JUNIOR HIGH,
WE'D BE EITHER IN TRACK ONE, TRACK 2, OR TRACK 3.
TRACK ONE'S THE SMART KIDS,
TRACK 2'S THE NORMAL KIDS,
TRACK 3 IS THE DUMB KIDS.
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT?
HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS...
TO BE TOLD YOU'RE DUMB...
WHEN YOU'RE 11 YEARS OLD?
YOU ARE NOT DUMB.
I JUST WANTED TO PROVE HIM WRONG...
JUST ONCE...
EVEN IF I AM CHEATING.
"IF A PREGNANT WOMAN HAS SEX,
CAN THE BABY GET... POKED?"
HEY. HEY. HYENAS!
CAN I GET THROUGH ONE QUESTION
WITHOUT YOU GUYS GETTIN' HYSTERICAL ON ME?
COME ON. UH...LISTEN, SEX IS PERFECTLY SAFE FOR THE FETUS.
IT'S, UH, IT'S NOT GONNA COME OUT
WITH DENTS ON ITS HEAD LIKE A GOLF BALL OR SOMETHIN'.
I MEAN, DELLAGE GOT POKED IN THE EYE.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M KIDD'. KIDDIN', DELLAGE.
[BELL RINGS]
LISTEN.
CHAPTER 13 IN THE TEXT TOMORROW FOR A POP QUIZ.
WHOOP! YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME.
HEY, UH, SAM? SAM? CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
IN MY OFFICE?
SURE.
WHEN I WAS GOIN' THROUGH THESE QUESTIONS,
I WAS A LITTLE DISTURBED BY YOURS.
HOW DID YOU KNOW WHICH ONE WAS MINE?
I THOUGHT...I THOUGHT IT WAS ANONYMOUS.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITHSTAR TREK NOTEBOOK PAPER.
OH.
WHERE'D YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THIS..."ACTIVITY"?
UH...
I SAW A MOVIE.
OK. I SEE. UM...
WELL, YOU KNOW...
IN MOVIES LIKE THAT...
THEY--THEY SENSATIONALIZE CERTAIN THINGS...
BUT IN REALITY,
THOSE THINGS DON'T USUALLY HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYIN' TO SAY?
ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
PLAIN LANGUAGE. BUT LISTEN,
YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION.
YOUR PERMISSION SLIP FOR SEX ED DOESN'T COVER THIS STUFF.
I COULD GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR WHAT I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
OK.
FAIR ENOUGH.
UM...
CERTAIN MEN... UH, NOT ME...
[MUSIC FADES IN COVERING CONVERSATION]
HUH? TORTURE OVER.
WE'RE DONE.
BUT JUST...JUST... I MEAN,
THOSE MOVIES... IT'S NOT REALITY.
OK? IF IT WAS REALITY, I'D BE FREAKED OUT MYSELF.
YEAH OK?
. UH...THANK YOU, MR. FREDRICKS.
NO PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. GET OUTTA HERE, COWBOY.
UH...I--I HAVE JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT?
UH, COULD YOU EXPLAIN THIS JOKE TO ME?
SO, THERE'S THIS GUY WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS...
HEY.
IF YOU WANT TO TELL THE TRUTH, IT'S COOL.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
NO. DANIEL, LET'S JUST STICK TO OUR STORY.
OK.
WHEN WE GET IN THERE...
LET ME HANDLE IT. OK?
WELL, I'M CHEESED OFF RIGHT NOW, AND I DON'T CARE.
HI. WE'R
E LINDSAY WEIR'S PARENTS.
UH, MOM...DAD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH...HONEY, WE...
WE FELT TERRIBLE ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN TRUTHFUL WITH US,
SO WE NEVER SHOULD'VE DOUBTED YOU.
NOBODY FALSELY ACCUSES MY DAUGHTER!
HONEY. SHH.
IT'S OK. I MEAN, IT HAPPENS.
NOT TO MEMBERS OF THIS FAMILY, IT DOESN'T!
I WANT SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
TO GIVE THIS KOWCHEVSKI JOKER A PIECE OF MY MIND.
Jean: YOUR FATHER EVEN CLOSED THE STORE.
NOW, LET'S BE PATIENT, TRY AND HEAR EVERYONE OUT,
BE A TEAM. WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT ANYONE CHEATED.
I DO.
WELL, FINE.
UNFORTUNATELY, AN ANONYMOUS NOTE ISN'T SUFFICIENT PROOF.
THERE IS NO NOTE.
THERE'S NO NOTE?
NO. I USE THIS AS A PLOY SOMETIMES
TO GET A CONFESSION.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO HAVE REAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH THESE KIDS
IF YOU'RE LYING TO THEM?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I KNEW KIDS LIKE DESARIO IN VIETNAM.
THOSE WERE THE KIND OF KIDS[CHEERFULLY] EVERYONE'S HERE.
AND IF SHE SAYS SHE DIDN'T HELP THIS KID CHEAT,
THEN SHE DIDN'T!
SHE TUTORED HIM, AND IT WORKED.
YEAH. YOU SHOULDN'T BE PUNISHING HER.
YOU SHOULD BE PAYING HER FOR DOING YOUR JOB.
MR. WEIR...UH, HAROLD, IT'S RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION
THAT THERE WAS NO ANONYMOUS NOTE WRITTEN.
THERE WAS NO NOTE?
NO. IT WAS A FRAUD.
I--I APOLOGIZE.
SEE? I TOLD YOU.
BUT WE'RE STILL NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED THESE TWO DIDN'T CHEAT.
SO YOU WANT TO PUNISH MY DAUGHTER, BUT YOU HAVE NO PROOF.
LOOK, MR. WEIR, IT SHOULD'VE NEVER COME TO THIS.
I'VE TALKED TO LINDSAY.
I KNOW SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
DAEL, DID YOU... CHEAT ON THIS TEST?
NO.
GOOD. THEN I'M SATISFIED.
YOU'RESATISFIED? I'MNOT SATISFIED.
GIVE IT UP, FRANK.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I TOOK OFF WORK FOR THIS?
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
NO, NO, NO. HOLD ON A SECOND.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
I HAVE THE ALGEBRA TEST THAT DANIEL TOOK.
IF HE CAN DO THE FIRST PROBLEM,
I WILL NOT ONLY GET DOWN ON MY HANDS AND KNEES
AND BEG EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM FOR FORGIVENESS...
BUT I'LL QUIT.
I WILL RESIGN.
I'LL NEVER TEACH AGAIN.
THAT'D BE A START.
I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST.
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TAKE IAGAIN.
YES, I CAN.
COME ON, DANIEL. ONE PROBLEM...
AND THIS ALL GOES AWAY.
COME ON, SON.
Rosso: GO AHEAD, DANIEL.
OK.
JUST NEED TO USE THE QUADRATIC FORMULA.
SEE? LOOK AT HIM GO.
HEY, SAM.
OH. HI, CINDY.
I'M SORRY IF I WAS ACTING...
WEIRD...AT LUNCH.
WERE YOU ACTING WEIRD?
[CHUCKLES]
WELL...ANYWAYS...
UH...IT TURNS OUT THAT ICANGO TO THE CARNIVAL.
SO, I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T--
IF YOU STILL DON'T HAVE A SCOOPER, I'M AVAILABLE.
WELL, JEANINE ALREADY SAID THAT SHE WAS GONNA.
OK.
BUT, HEY, WE CAN ALWAYS USE ANOTHER SCOOPER.
AND, LOOK. GRAB A BRUSH.
THANK YOU.
SO, WHAT TIME SHOULD I BE THERE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. IT STARTS AT, LIKE, NOON,
SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME AT 11:00.
A.M.?
P.M.?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Cindy: 12 NOON.
OHHH...
[JEAN AND HAROLD WHISPERING]
HE'S GOT A PROBLEM. THAT'S ALL.
WHATISTHAT?
THAT...IS A STUDENT THAT MR. ROSSO BELIEVES IN.
UH, LED ZEPPELIN IS ACTUALLY THE NAME
OF A POPULAR ROCK BAND.
I KNOW WHO LED ZEPPELIN IS!
WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON HERE?
ARE YOU KIDDING US WITH THIS CRAP?
LINDSAY, YOU LIED TO US? MOM, I DIDN'T--
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MONEY I'M LOSING?
LOOK, DON'T BLAME LINDSAY.
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
IT'S MINE.
SHE WAS JUST TRYIN' TO HELP ME.
WH NOBODY ELSE EVER DOES.
AT DO YOU THINK, I WANT TO BE TERRIBLE AT SCHOOL?
YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
I WISH I WAS SMART, YOU KNOW?
I WISH IT ALL CAME EASY TO ME,
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN SIXTH GRADE,
THEY TOLD US WHEN WE GOT TO JUNIOR HIGH,
WE'D BE EITHER IN TRACK ONE, TRACK 2, OR TRACK 3.
TRACK ONE'S THE SMART KIDS,
TRACK 2'S THE NORMAL KIDS,
TRACK 3'S THE DUMB KIDS.
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT?
HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS TO BE TOLD THAT YOU'RE DUMB
IN INK WHEN YOU'RE 11 YEARS OLD?
I MEAN...WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GO FROM THERE?
HA HA HA HA HA!
[STILL LAUGHING]
BE COOL.
LOOK. SHE'S AS HIGH AS A KITE!
MY DAUGHTER IS NOT HIGH!
HAROLD, WHAT IS GOING ON?
I--I THINKS IT'S A NERVOUS REACTION.
Harold: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
TENSE SITUATION. I DON'T--
HA HA HA HA HA!
TRACK 3!
LINDSAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?!
WILL YOU... STOP LAUGHING?
Jean: YOU STARTED ALL THIS.
Harold: NO, I DID NOT START ALL THIS!
Harold: THIS Jean: YES, YOU DID.
SCHOOL IS THE WRONG SCHOOL FOR MY DAUGHTER!
Kowchevski: I ASKED HIM TO DO ONE QUESTION.
HE COULD NOT EVEN DO ONE QUESTION.
Harold: SHE'S A TRACK ONE GIRL!
[RUSH'STHE SPIRIT OF RADIOPLAYS]
[PLAYING ALONG WITH TAPE]
INVISIBLE AIRWAVES ACKLE WITH LIFE
BRIGHT ANTENN BRISTLE WITH THE ENERGY
[NICK SINGING AND PLAYING-- LOUD AND OUT OF KEY]
MOTIONAL FEEDBACK ON TIMELESS WAVELENGTH
BEARING A GIFT BEYOND PRICE
ALMOST FREE
[TAPE] ALL THIS MACHINERY
MAKING MODERNUSIC
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
ION'T GIVE A DA
LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNDO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
WHAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
ND I'M NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD RUTATION
NOT ME!
Sam: YOU LOOK A LITTLE BIT LIKE MY GRANDPA.
OH, IS YOUR GRANDPA SUPER COOL?
ALL RIGHT. SIMMER DOWN, PETUNIAS.
LET'S GO. WE'VE GOT A BUSY WEEK AHEAD OF US.
IT'S TIME TO START TRAINING
FOR THE PRESIDENT'S PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST.
JIMMY CARTER'S A WIMP.
HEY, CAN IT, WHITE.
WE'RE GONNA START ON UPPER-BODY STRENGTH
WITH A LITTLE ROPE-CLIMBING.
YEAH. THAT'S GONNA HELP US GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE.
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, LET'S-- OH, ONE MORE THING.
NEW DISTRICT POLICY.
EVERYBODY MUST TAKE A SHOWER AFTER CLASS STARTING TODAY.
AND I'M GONNA BE CHECKING FOR WET HAIR,
SO DON'T THINK YOU CAN PULL A FAST ONE.
IS WEIR ALLOWED TO SHOWER WITH US?
'CAUSE HE'S A WOMAN.
[LAUGHTER]
COME ON, LADIES, LET'S MOVE!
GET UP THERE.
KISS THE BEAM, YOU'RE ON MY TEAM.
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A FREAKIN' TARZAN?
WHOA.
COME ON, BILL.
THEY CANNOT MAKE US TAKE A SHOWER.
THIS IS SCHOOL.
THEY CAN MAKE US DO ANYTHING.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S KINDA WEIRD
THAT THEY WANT US TO, YOU KNOW...GET NAKED?
IT'S NOT A BURLESQUE SHOW, SAM.
THEY JUST WANT US TO SHOWER.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
STOP LOOKIN' UP MY SHORTS.
WHY WOULD WE?
THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE.
JUST KEEP CLIMBING, WONDER WOMAN.
THERE IS SOMETHING TO SEE.
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.
WHY, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PIT HAIR?
I HAVE PIT HAIR.
BESIDES, I THINK IT'S KINDA WEIRD
THAT YOU WANNA GET NAKED IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.
HEY, SCHWEIBER.
YOU GONNA SHOW US YOUR CIRCUMCISION
IN THE SHOWERS TODAY?
YEAH. TAKE A NUMBER.
[LAUGHING]
WELL, I GUESS IT IS KINDA WEIRD.
THEN T ALL RIGHT.
HAT'S SETTLED. WE'RE NOT DOING IT.
I CAN'T GO UP ANY FARTHER, GUYS.
HOW DO I GET BACK DOWN?
HI, EVERYBODY.
IF YOU'RE JU A BOY OR GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO...
THEN YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SAY NO
TO TICKETS TO THE McKINLEY DRAMA CLUB'S PRESENTATION OF...
WHAT? WHAT?
OKLAHOMA! OKLAHOMA!
OH, NO!
NO WAY.
SO COME ON DOWN,AND PARDNER,
LEAVE THE DUCKS AND GEESE AT HOME.
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL EVENING YOU'LL HAVE.
YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!
OK. TICKETS ARE $2.00 AT THE BOX OFFICE.
DON'T MISS IT. IT'S A GREAT SHOW.
WOW. YOU'D LOOK GOOD IN THAT DRESS.
THANKS.
HEY. YOU GUYS WANNA REHEARSE TODAY?
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
YEAH? YEAH, SURE.
IS THIS YOUR GUYS' ROCK BAND?
YEAH.
WE GOT
TA AUDITION FOR A BATTLE OF THE BANDS COMING UP.
THE WINNER GETS 300 BUCKS.
OH, YEAH!
I BET YOU GUYS ARE REALLY GOOD.
I DON'T THINK SO.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE A NAME?
YEAH.
CREATION.
NO, WE DON'T HAVE A NAME.
COME ON. I LIKE THAT NAME.
ALL RIGHT. 3:00.
NO. I GOTTA DO SOMETHING WITH KIM AT 3:00.
AH. HOW ABOUT 3:01?
HOW ABOUT 3:15? I GOTTA FIT IN YOUR MOTHER.
YOU WANNA SLEEP WITH MY MOM?
MM-HMM.
[WATER SPLASHING]
YOU KNOW, TOE HONEST, I DON'T SMELL SO GOOD.
I COULD PROBABLY USE A SHOWER.
Sam: NO!
WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER.
HEY, IF WE DON'T SHOWER,
THEN WE ARE GONNA STICK TOGETHER.
YOU GET IT?
WEIR!
ARE YOU LADIES HAVING A NICE TIME
AT THE BEAUTY PARLOR?
UM...
YOU SEE, UH... MR. FREDRICKS,
THE THING IS THAT-- AH--AH--SCHWEIBER?
I TOLD YOU GUYS, EVERYBODY HAS TO SHOWER.
WELL...WE DIDN'T EVEN SWEAT.
SMELL US.
UH, YOU KNOW, WEIR,
I'LL PUT THAT ON MY "TO DO" LIST.
FELLAS, HIT THE SHOWER.
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
WELL, SEE, WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CLASS,
AND I HAVE AN ALGEBRA TEST THAT I CANNOT MAKE UP.
AND I CAN'T BE LATE FOR CLASS.
JUST GO TO CLASS.
ALL RIGHT. GO--
TOMORROW, YOU WILL GET IN THE SHOWER.
AND IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I'M GONNA KNOW ABOUT IT.
THAT GUY'S REALLY INTO MAKING GUYS SHOWER.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG
YES, I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG
I SAID, I'VE BEEN WAITIN' TOO LONG
TO BE WHERE I'M GOIN'
IN THE SUNSHINE OF YOUR LO
AAH!
WHOOO!
YEAH!
THAT WAS AMAZING.
YOU LOOK SO HOT WHEN YOU PLAY.
I WISH I COULD SMASH THIS THI.
[CHANTING] DO IT! DO IT!
WHOO-HOO-HOO!
WHAT'D YOU THINK? THAT WAS PRETTY AMAZING, HUH?
THAT WAS REALLY WILD.
HEY. HEY, HEY, LISTEN, UH,
LINDSAY CAME UP WITH SOME GREAT NAMES FOR THE BAND.
TELL THEM, LINDSAY.
OH, YEAH? I HOPE IT'S SOMETHING CATCHY,
LIKE, UH, THE MATH-LETES.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S HEAR 'EM.
WELL, I THOUGHT THE BAND NEEDED A NAME
THAT NOT ONLY SAID WHO YOU WERE,
BUT WHAT YOU WANT TO REPRESENT TO THE AUDIENCE.
SO... SAY IT.
[SOFTLY] Go tell 'em.
OK. HERE'S ONE.
MISSION CONTROL.
NO WAY.
Nick: WHY NOT?
'CAUSE IT SOUNDS
LIKE SOME SPACE THING.
SO? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
SPACE BLOWS.
YEAH.
OK. TELL 'EM THE NEXT ONE THAT YOU THOUGHT UP.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS ONE. TELL 'EM.
OK.
ANARCHY'S CHILD.
NO WAY! BOO!
BOO BOO BOO.
Ken: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Nick: I DON'T SEE YOU GUYS COMING UP WITH ANY NAMES FOR THE BAND.
HELLO, LADIES, GENTLEMEN.
All: HELLO, MR. ANDOPOLIS.
I TAKE IT THE SYMPHONY'S OVER.
I'M SORRY, DAD. WE JUST FINISHED.
IT SOUNDED A LOT BETTER, THOUGH, RIGHT?
NICK, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MOMENT?
YES, SIR.
I'LL BE UPSTAIRS.
[MOCKING] LADIES, GENTLEMEN...
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
HEY, UH, I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.
YEAH, BUT HE WON'T.
Kim: HEY, I'M HUNGRY. CAN WE GET SOMETHING TO EAT?
YEAH. LET'S GO.
HEY, YOU WORKING THE DRIVE-THROUGH?
AL YEAH, IN AN HOUR.
L RIGHT! LET'S GO THERE, GET A BUNCH OF FREE CRAP.
YOU'VE GOT TO AT LEAST BUY A POP, MAN,
OR I'M GONNAHE GET CAUGHT.
CAN'T YOU JUST WAIT FOR ME?
JUST MEET US THERE.
THIS IS MISSION CONTROL REQUESTING PERMISSION TO ROCK OUT.
HEY, I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
YEAH?
YEAH.
HEY, DAD, I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO PLAY PAST 5:00.
IF Y I'M REALLY SORRY.
OU'RE SORRY, YOU WOULDN'T KEEP DOING THIS.
I GUESS I JUST FORGOT TO LOOK AT THE CLOCK.
NICK, YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.
JEEZ, I KEEP TRYING TO BE A GOOD GUY,
YOU'RE PUSHING ME.
I'M NOT PUSHING YOU, DAD.
YOU'RE PUSHING ME, NICK.
I WANT YOUR DRUMS OUT OF THE BASEMENT.
DAD, YOU ALREADY MADE ME MOVE THE DRUMS OUT OF THE GARAGE.
WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THEM
IF I CAN'T KEEP THEM IN THE BASEMENT?
INSTEAD OF PRACTICING WITH YOUR FRIENDS,
WHY DON'T YOU TRY PRACTICING AT KEEPING YOUR GRADES UP?
'CAUSE YOUR 18th BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP FAST.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAINTAIN A C+ AVERAGE.
YOU KNOW OUREAL.
DAD, I REALLY--
I DON'T WANNA JOIN THE ARMY, OK?
I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THE ARMY.
C+. IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR, NICK.
I'M STUDYING AS HARD AS I CAN.
MAYBE I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH OR SOMETHING,
BUT I'M DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN.
YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH, NICK.
YES, SIR.
DAD?
I REALLY THINK THAT I CAN MAKE IT AS A DRUMMER.
NICK, I REALLY THOUGHT THAT I COULD WALK ON THE MOON,
BUT YOU JUST DON'T SEE ANY MOON ROCKS AROUND HERE, DO YA?
THANKS FOR THE TALK, DAD.
YOU MOM CANS HER OWN VEGETABLES?
YEAH.
[MUFFLED] AAAHHH!
[SIGHS]
ARE YOU OK?
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GO, UM...
WHY DON'T YOU GO MEET UP WITH THOSE OTHER GUYS?
YEAH, OK.
LOOK, NICK, I COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING.
AND I KNOW MAYBE IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME WHEN I FIRST MET YOU
THAT YOUR DRUMS ARE YOUR REASON FOR LIVING,
AND I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LET ANYONE TALK YOU OUT OF THAT.
YOU JUST NEED TO STICK WITH IT AND PROVE EVERYBODY WRONG.
IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU THINK?
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
NO ONE'S EVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE.
WELL, IT'S TRUE.
THANK YOU.
LINDSAY...
YOU'RE LIKE THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S EVER GOTTEN WHAT I'M ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, WE'RE NOT THAT DIFFERENT...
EXCEPT YOU'RE GONNA BE A FAMOUS DRUMMER.
DO YOU WANNA COME WITH ME TO MEET UP WITH THOSE GUYS?
.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.
I SHOULD PROBLY CHANGE OUT OF THESE SHORTS FIRST.
I THINK THEY LOOK GOOD.
IT'S JUST A LOT EASIER FOR ME TO DRUM WITHOUT FABRIC ON MY THIGHS.
THIS EARTH BALL DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE EARTH.
WHOA!
WATCH OUT!
THAT'S IT. I'M GONNA DIE IN GYM CLASS.
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
OK, EVERYBODY HIT THE SHOWER.
COME ON, THAT'S IT. GOOD JOB.
GOOD JOB TODAY.
COME ON, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
MY HANDS ARE FILTHY.
YEAH, AND I CAN'T SAY NO TO A LONG, LUXURIOUS SHOWER.
NO! YOU CAN'T!
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
I'MFARSHTINKINER, AND I'M SHOWERING.
OH, COME ON. JUST ONE MORE DAY.
WOULD YOU QUIT BEING SUCH A BABY?
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND IT'LL BE OVER BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
I'M WITH HIM.
OH, THANKS!
YOU KNOW?
FRIENDS.
HEY, SAM.
ARE, UH...
ARE YOU TAKING FRENCH NEXT YEAR?
UH...
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M THINKING OF TAKING GERMAN, SINCE I'M 1/4 GERMAN.
C-COULD YOU PUT ON A TOWEL?
WHY?
WELL...
'CAUSE YOU'RE NAKED?
SAM, OUR BODIES ARE MERELY A SHELL
WHICH CONCEAL OUR HEAVENLY SOULS.
TRY NOT TO GET TOO UPTIGHT.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN.
WHEN DID YOU GET CHEST HAIR?
WHAT? I HAVE CHEST HA--
OH! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?
IT'LL SLOW YOU DOWN IN THE POOL.
SO, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA DO IT.
I MEAN...
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.
IT'S JUST WATER.
WHAT COULD HAPPEN?
WELL, YOU COULD STOP SMELLING LIKE MY BUTT, FOR ONE.
Neal:
OH, SHOOT! I WAS GONNA BRING SOME COLOGNE.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT.
NAIL THE GEEKS!
STOP! OWW! MY--
STOP IT! STOP, GUYS, COME ON!
AAH!
OHH! STOP IT! STOP!
OWW! I HOPE I CAN STILL HAVE KIDS.
COME ON. YOU GOT HIT IN THE GROIN.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE A HYSTERECTOMY.
OWW! OH, MY GOD!
WEIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LOOK AT THAT HEAD OF HAIR, HUH?
YOU JUST GET THAT CUT? THAT IS VERY STYLISH
AND VERY, VERY DRY.
COME ON. I'M NOT GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN.
OFF WITH THE CLOTHES AND INTO THE SHOWER.
NO.
WHAT?
I MEAN...
I DON'T FEEL TOO WELL.
YOU DON'T FEEL WELL.
YOU THINK I'M NEW?
DON'T PULL THE FAKE SICK CRAP ON ME. COME ON.
NO, NO, NO. I--I AM SICK.
I'M DIZZY...
AND...AND I HAVE A HEADACHE,
AND I'M NAUSEOUS.
ALL RIGHT, OK. JUST GO TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
THANK YOU.
PICK UP THE ACADEMY AWARD ON THE WAY THERE, WEIR.
SHEESH.
SCHWEIBER, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES.
YOU LOOK LIKE A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN.
HEY.
HEY, I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE PRACTICING TODAY.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW IF THOSE GUYS ARE COMING OR NOT. UM...
THEY WENT DOWN TO THE JUNKYARD
TO GET A CARBURETOR FOR KIM'S GREMLIN.
YEAH, IT MIGHT TAKE AWHILE.
WHAT?
NO. I JUST...
I THINK YOU GUYS NEED TO REHEARSE MORE.
I THOUGHT THAT YOU SAID THAT WE WERE GOOD.
YEAH, BUT YOU GUYS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN ANY COMPETITIONS.
THANKS A LOT, YOU KNOW?
THANKS A LOT, LINDSAY.
NO. I...
WELL, I MEAN, IT'S TRUE, NICK.
IF YOU WANNA PROVE YOUR DAD WRONG,
THEN THE BAND HAS TO BE REALLY GREAT,
OR ELSE HE'S GONNA SEND YOU TO THE ARMY.
I KNOW.
YOU JUST NEED TO WORK HARDER.
YOU THINK SO?
UH-HUH.
YEAH. WHEN I WAS IN THE MATHLETES,
WE DID LOGARITHMS UNTIL WE COULDN'T SEE STRAIGHT.
YOU KNOW, BUT IT PAID OFF.
WE WERE STATE CHAMPIONS,
AND WE WENT TO NATIONALS 2 YEARS IN A ROW.
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW. DANIEL ISN'T REALLY INTO PRACTICING.
WELL, WHO'S THE LEADER OF THIS BAND?
YOU OR DANIEL?
OOH, IT'S HOT! IT'S SMOKIN' IT'SO HOT!
Ken: THANK YOU!
Sean: I LIKE IT FAST.
HEY, UH, LISTEN, GUYS...
LISTEN, UH...
THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD.
LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.
WHAT?
T'S TRY SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVEAGAIN.
WELL, WE JUST PLAYED IT, MAN.
WHY WOULD WE DO IT AGAIN?
'CAUSE IT WASN'T, UH... IT WASN'T RIGHT, MAN.
IT WAS REALLY SLOPPY,
AN
D IT DIDN'T REALLY SOUND ANYTHING LIKE THE RECORD.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE RECORD SOUNDS LIKE, OK?
WE PLAY IT THE WAY WE PLAY IT.
ARE YOU STILL BUYIN' POT FROM THE SAME GUY?
YOU MEAN ME?
LOOK, GUYS...
I JUST WANNA PLAY
THE SONG RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
LOOK, ANY WAY WE PLAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.
NOT IF WE WANT TO GET INTO BATTLE OF THE BANDS, DANIEL.
I COULD GIVE A CRAP ABOUT BATTLE OF THE BANDS!
WHO CARES?
YOU WERE RIGHT, LINDSAY.
RIGHT ABOUT WHAT?
PLEASE. DO TELL.
Nick: I'LL TELL YOU.
THAT YOU GUYS DON'T CARE, YOU KNOW?
LOOK, MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE JUST SCREWIN' AROUND,
BUT I...I WANT US TO BE GOOD, YOU KNOW?
I'M TIRED OF SUCKING AT EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE,
AND I WANNA NAIL THAT AUDITION, ALL RIGHT?
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA NAIL THAT AUDITION
UNLESS WE PLAY THE SONGS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
UNTIL THEY'RE PERFECT.
ALL RIGHT, DANIEL?
SO CAN WE JUST PLAY THE SONG RIGHT ONCE?
PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT?
LET'S PLAY THE STUPID SONG.
THANK YOU.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
DID YOU HEAR ANY STICKS, MAN?
WAIT FOR MY STICKS, ALL RIGHT?
Ken: GEE, THIS IS REALLY FUN, GUYS.
I'M GLAD WE HAVE A BAND.
[PLAYING SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE]
I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG
TO BE WHERE I'M GOING
IN THE SUNSHINE OF YOUR
LOOOOVE
WELL, THAT SUCKED.
ROYALLY.
NO, HEY.
HEY, IT SOUNDED BETTER.
YEAH, IT REALLY DID SOUND BETTER.
OH, DID IT, LINDSAY?
DO YOU APPROVE?
COME ON, DANIEL.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
YOU'RE A PIECE OF WORK, LINDSAY.
Nick: DANIEL, WHERE YOU GOING?
ANYWHERE!
WE NEED TO REHEARSE MORE, DANIEL!
NO,YOUNEED TO REHEARSE MORE!
WE NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
I HATE THIS SONG NOW. WE PLAYED IT, LIKE, 6 TIMES.
I NEVER WANNA HEAR IT AGAIN.
IT SOUNDED BETTER.
WHO CARES, MAN?
WE'RE IN A PANELED BASEMENT, NOT THE SILVERDOME.
YOU KNOW, YOU AND YOKO HERE HAVE TURNED MUSIC INTO SCHOOL.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, START HANDING OUT BAND HOMEWORK?
I JUST WANNA PLAY THE SONG RIGHT, DANIEL!
THEN GO JOIN THE MARCHING BAND, GEEK.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SHUT UP!
AT LEAST THE MARCHING BAND CAN PLAY SOMETHING RIGHT TWICE IN A ROW!
YOU ARE A DUMB-ASS, ANDOPOLIS!
ROCK 'N' ROLL DON'T COME FROM YOUR BRAIN.
IT COMES FROM YOUR CROTCH.
AND IF YOU EVER GOT ANY, MR. CUTE SHORTS,
YOU'D KNOW THAT.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
I QUIT.
Nick: FINE!
I GUESS THAT MEANS I QUIT.
FINE! QUIT!
[THROWS DOWN DRUMSTICKS]
YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN CREATION!
THANKS A LOT, LINDSAY.
Neal: I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT WE DON'T?
GOOD BODIES.
SO HE CAN THROW HER OVER HIS SHOULDER.
BIG DEAL.
Bill: HE SHOULD USE HIS LEGS MORE.
HE'S GONNA THROW OUT HIS BACK.
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, MY MOM SAYS THAT WOMEN PREFER GUYS WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
BUT YOU'RE NOT VERY FUNNY.
SCREW YOU! I'M HILARIOUS.
OOH, HOW WITTY.
GET THIS GUY ON HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.
I OVERHEARD THAT TODD SHELLINGER
TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT WHEN HE MAKES OUT.
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
WHY WOULD ANYBODY DO THAT?
PROBABLY TO SHOW OFF HIS CHEST HAIR.
I KNOW THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
[SNICKERS]
GO AHEAD, LAUGH,
BUT ALL COOL GUYS HAVE HAIRY CHESTS:
SELLECK, REYNOLDS, ROCKFORD.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT MORK?
HE'S GOT MORE HAIR ON HIS HAND THAN SAM HAS IN HIS PITS.
HA HA HA! SHUT UP!
WILL GIRLS EVER LIKE US?
I THINK OUR BEST PLAY IS TO GO FOR THE SMART, SEXY LIBRARIAN TYPE.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S SWEET AND SHY,
BUT THEN SHE TAKES OFF HER GLASSES AND RRROWF!
HA HA HA!
LIKE BAILEY ON WKRP IN CINCINNATI.
YUP.
BUT CINDY SANDERS IS LIKE A LIBRARIAN TYPE.
YEAH. LIBRARIAN FOR THE PLAYBOY MANSION.
THIS PUSH-UP'S TOO HARD TO PUSH UP.
OHHH!
OH, MAN!
GROSS!
OH, YOU'RE SICK.
OH, MY GOD. IT'S COLD.
HEY.
SO, WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
NO IDEA.
WELL, THAT'S KINDA WEIRD, ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, THAT NO ONE IS AROUND...
NOT THAT YOU DON'T HAV ANY IDEA WHERE ANYONE IS.
I'M GONNA GO.
HEY, LINDSAY.
THANKS FOR BREAKING UP THE BAND.
WHAT?
[MOCKINGLY] WHAT?
I DIDN'T BREAK UP THE BAND.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU GUYS SHOULD LEARN ONE SONG.
SO, YOU ADMIT IT.
YES, I ADMIT IT. I...
GOD! HOW COULD I BE SO AWFUL TO SUGGEST
THAT YOU ACTUALLY PLAY AN ENTIRE SONG CORRECTLY ALL THE WAY THROUGH?
GOD KNOWS ZEPPELIN ONLY PLAYS HALF OFSTAIRWAY TO HEAVEN,
AND THE WHO NEVER EVEN PRACTICESTEENAGE WASTELAND.
BABBA O'REILLY.
WHAT?
THE NAME OF THE SONG ISBABBA O'REILLY.
IT'S ONWHO'S NEXT?
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T BREAK UP THE BAND.
I JUST WANTED TO HELP NICK.
NICK DOESN'T NEED ANY HELP.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? IF HE DOESN'T MAKE IT AS A DRUMMER,
HE HAS TO GO INTO THE ARMY.
WHAT?
HE'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT AS A DRUMMER.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET HIM HAVE SOME FUN BEFORE HE HAS TO SHIP OFF?
YEAH? WELL, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIS DAD.
MAYBE HIS DAD IS RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SAYING THAT.
LINDSAY, HE'S NOT GONNA BE THE NEXT KEITH MOON.
SO IF HE'S GOT SOMEPLACE TO GO THAT'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF HIM,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY OUT OF HIS WAY?
DANIEL, THAT IS NOT HOW IT HAS TO BE.
OH...OK.
[BELL RINGS]
SCHWEIBER.
HERE.
TRINSKY.
ICH BIN HIER.
WEIR.
WEIR!
ANYBODY SEEN WEIR?
WEIR!
Mark: YEAH, MAN, AND THIS KID,
HE WAS, LIKE, "RED-RUM! RED-RUM!"
FOET IT, MAN, RED-RUM'S MURDER BACKWARDS.
HEY! COME ON. THIS AIN'T TEA WITH THE QUEEN.
YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU'RE STILL 10 MINUTES LATE TO CLASS.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
RED-RUM...
AW, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU NUT!
[SPLASH]
WHO'S THERE?
[SHOE SQUEAKS]
WHO'S IN THERE?
HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE EASIER
IF YOU SIT DOWN AND DROP YOUR PANTS.
HEY!
HEY.
SO, UH, HOW COME YOU WEREN'T IN ENGLISH TODAY?
I BAILED.
THE, UH, WHOLE BAND BREAKING UP THING HAS GOTTEN ME REALLY DOWN.
YOU KNOW?
YEAH, WELL, IT SHOULDN'T.
AND IT WASN'T A REAL BAND.
THOSE GUYS WERE JUST SCREWING AROUND.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO BE A PROFESSIONAL.
YEAH.
I STILL DON'T HAVE A BAND, UH, YOU KNOW?
WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD JOIN THIS ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DIMENSION'S LOOKING FOR A NEW DRUMMER?!
YEAH. IT WAS UP AT THE RECORD STORE.
THESE GUYS ARE LIKE THE TOP WORKING BAND IN DETROIT!
I SAW THEM OPEN FOR JETHRO TULL AT COBO HALL LAST YEAR.
TULL COULD BARELY FOLLOW THEM.
OH, MAN!
YOU COULD BE GETTING PAID TO DRUM, LIKE A REAL JOB.
OH, OH, HELL, YEAH!
MAN, I GOTTA GO CALL THESE GUYS AND SET UP AN AUDITION.
AND THEN I GOTTA GO PRACTICE. IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT 5:00 YET, IS IT?
MM-MM.
YEAH!
OH!
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I DON'T WANT TO GET NAKED IN FRONT OF OTHER GUYS.
WELL, WHO DOES?
YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN HAVE SEEN ME NAKED IN MY LIFETIME?
A LOT.
DO YOU THINK I'M COMFORTABLE WITH IT?
NO, BUT I LIVE WITH IT.
I JUST DON'T WANT THEM TO TEASE ME.
OH, WHO WOULD TEASE YOU?
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
YOU TELL THE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR BODY.
THAT'LL SHOW 'EM.
SAM...YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY.
DOESN'T HE, HAROLD?
YES. I JUST SAID HE HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY.
THOSE OTHER BOYS ARE PROBABLY JUST JEALOUS.
LINDSAY, TELL YOUR BROTHER WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BODY HE HAS.
MOM! MOM!
Harold: LINDSAY.
WHAT?
YOUR MOTHER ASKED YOU TO TELL YOUR BROTHER
THAT HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL BODY.
THAT IS SO STUPID.
LINDSAY, TELL HIM.
IT'S NOT GONNA HELP HIM.
LINDSAY, JUST SAY THE WORDS.
IT'LL MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
SAM...
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY.
YOU'RE AN ADONIS, A SLAB OF BEEF...
IF I WASN'T YOUR SISTER,
OH, MY GOD--
LINDSAY! CAN IT.
SEE, SWEETHEART?
Scott: WOW!
THAT WAS GREAT, PAUL. WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
I NEVER PLAYED ON DRUM KIT THIS SMALL BEFORE.
I'M SURE I'LL BE FINE.
HEY, YOU NICK?
YEAH.
HEY, I'M SCOTT.
HELLO, SCOTT.
THAT'S ALEX, AND THAT'S VANCE.
HEY, ALEX. HELLO, VANCE.
Vance: HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN?
Nick: GREAT.
I HOPE THIS KIT'S OK WITH YOU.
OH, YEAH. NO, IT'S FINE.
THE ONE I NORMALLY PLAY ON IS A LOT BIGGER.
OH, WOW, REALLY? HOW MANY PIECES?
29.
WHOA!
29-PIECE KIT.
W, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU SHOULD BE AUDITIONING US.
PSHHH! YEAH, RIGHT. RIGHT?
HA HA. I SAW YOU GUYS OPEN FOR JETHRO TULL AT COBO HALL LAST YEAR.
YOU GUYS BLEW THEM AWAY.
WELL, YOU MUST'VE BEEN THERE FRIDAY NIGHT,
'CAUSE SATURDAY NIGHT WE GOT BOOED OFF THE STAGE.
WE DIDN'T GET BOOED OFF THE STAGE.
SO [LAUGHS]
HAT DO YOU SAY? YOU WANNA JAM OR WHAT?
YEAH!
COOL.
LET'S ROCK IT, MAN.
COOL.
YOU CALL THE TUNE.
UH...HOW ABOUT A LITTLE CREAM?
YEAH, LET'S DOCROSSROADS.
WHAT DO YOU, UH, WHAT ABOUT SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE?
I HATE THAT SONG. LET'S DOCROSSROADS.
WE DO IT LIVE.
ALL NO PROBLEM.
RIGHT. COUNT IT OFF, MY MAN.
Nick: ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
THAT WAS GOOD, BUT LET'S TRY IT A LITTLE BIT TIGHTER.
TIGHTER?
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO IT.
COUNT IT OFF. RIGHT.
HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
HOLD ON. LET'S TRY IT JUST A LITTLE BIT QUICKER PACE.
OH, QUICKER PACE.
YEAH. OK. COOL.
SORRY 'BOUT THAT. READY?
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
COUNT IT OFF.
I WENT DOWN TO THE CROSSROADS
GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES
GOT TTHE CROSSROADS, DROPPED DOWN ON MY KNEES
ASKED THE LORD FOR MERCY...
GOOD. ALL RIGHT. GREAT JOB, MAN.
COOL. THANKS A LOT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THAT'S IT?
WHAT, THAT'S IT?
YEAH. THANKS A LOT.
I--I, UH--
HEY, UH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT 29-PIECER, MAN.
MAYBE SOMEDAY, YOU'LL KNOCK IT UP TO AN EVEN 30.
THANKS.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
JOIN THE ARMY, I GUESS.
NO. I MEAN... RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE RECORD STORE OR ANYTHING?
I SUCK, LINDSAY.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU WERE IN THERE WITH ME, RIGHT?
YOU--YOU HEARD ME PLAYING?
I WAS A JOKE.
YOU KNOW, NICK, THOSE GUYS ARE 5 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU.
AND IN 5 YEARS, YOU'RE GONNA BE WAY BETTER THAN THEY ARE.
NO, I'M NOT.
SOMETIMES I GO DOWN IN MY BASEMENT,
AND I PUT ON A LIVE ALBUM,
I CAN... SEE MYSELF ON THE STAGE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN? I CAN SEE IT.
AND I'M PLAYING A 10-MINUTE SOLO,
AND I'M ON ONE OF THOSE HYDRAULIC RISERS, YOU KNOW,
THAT MAKE THE DRUM KIT GO WAY UP HIGH.
I'M PETER CHRIS OR SOMETHING.
OH, MAN...
I'M NOT GONNA BE THAT GUY.
I'M NEVER GONNA BE THAT GUY.
I'LL BE LUCKY IF I GET TO BE THE GUY
WHO PUSHES THE BUTTON THAT MAKES THE RISER GO UP,
BUT I'M NOT EVEN GONNA BE THAT GUY.
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA BE THAT GUY 'CAUSE I CAN'T EVEN KEEP A C+ AVERAGE, MAN.
WELL, NICK, I COULD-- I CAN HELP YOU GET YOUR GRADES UP.
HE'S GONNA MAKE ME JOIN THE ARMY.
OH, MAN, I'M GONNA HAVE TO JOIN THE ARMY.
UNDEDBY A GROUP OF PSYCHOPATHS
LIKE MY BROTHERS AND LIKE MY DAD.
NICK, COME ON.
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU.
I WON'T LET IT.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M DONE, MAN.
I'M DONE.
IN A WHITE ROOM WITH BLACK CURTAINS
HERE'S THE STATION
BLACK ROOF COUNTRY, NO GOLD PAVEMENTS
TIRED STYLINGS
SILVER HORSES
RUN DOWN MOONBEAMS IN YOUR DARK EYES
DARK LIGHT SMILE ON YOU LEAVING
FIND CONTENTMENT
Neal: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?
WHY DO THEY THINK THAT HITTING PEOPLE WITH TOWELS IS SO FUNNY?
IF IT WASN'T US...
HA HA HA... IT WOULD BE KINDA FUNNY.
Boy: AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.
HEY, HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?
SHUT UP!
GET OUT OF MY WAY.
I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER.
LOOK WHO FINALLY DECIDED TO TAKE A SHOWER.
NICE PECS, WEIR.
YOU LOOK LIKE A FLAT-CHESTED GIRL.
HA HA! FLAT-CHESTED GIRL.
WELL, I'M PROUD OF MY BODY.
[MOCKINGLY] OH, HE'S PROUD OF HIS BODY.
OH, HE SHOULD BE PROUD. LOOK AT THIS.
GET OUT OF MY WAY.
MAYBE YOU SH
OULD SHOW IT TO EVERYBODY THEN, HUH, WEIR?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
COME ON, GUYS. GUYS, DON'T--
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS CLASS.
OH, COME ON!
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
LET ME IN! MR. FREDRICKS!
SO, UH, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TEACHING?
2 MONTHS.
2 MONTHS? DO YOU LIKE IT?
I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT, TOO.
MR. FREDRICKS!
OH, I'M SORRY, REAR.
I FORGOT TO TAKE THAT!
GOD!
[BULLIES LAUGH]
[BELL RINGS]
[GASPS]
WHAT--
SAM, ALAN'S GONE.
ALL CLEAR, YOU CAN COME BACK NOW.
HEY, LINDSAY.
HI. HI.
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
YEAH. SURE.
COME ON.
STREAKER!
GO, SAM! GO!
[NO SOUND]
WHERE YOU FROM?
I'M FROM RIGHT HERE.
I ACTUALLY LIVE DOWN THE STREET.
YOU'RE FROM RIGHT HERE?
YEAH. OH, MY--
YEAH, RIGHT. YOU KNOW--
OH, JESUS.
WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
WEIR... THE SHOWER'S THAT WAY.
I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT KISS.
OH, GOOD.
IT REALLY MEANT A LOT TO ME.
I'M GLAD.
LET'S GO OUT TO THE PATIO.
PATIO?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE FIGHTING WITH THOSE GUYS.
YEAH, WE WERE, BUT NOT ANYMORE.
WEIGHT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
OH...
THEY HEARD WHAT HAPPENED AT THE AUDITION.
THEY CAME OVER LAST NIGHT, WE'RE COOL.
Kim: YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, I'M SERIOUS.
I THINK MY MOM, LIKE, WANTS TO COME SEE THE BAND PLAY OR SOMETHING.
WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF REHAB?
OH, HO HO. SHUT UP.
YAH! YAY!
RINGO STARR.
YOU FINALLY GOT YOUR WISH, NICK.
YOU'RE AS GOOD A DRUMMER AS JOHN BONHAM.
OF COURSE, HE'S DEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOKS ON THOSE GUYS' FACES, MAN.
I THINK I RUINED THEIR LOVE OF MUSIC FOREVER.
HEY, IS DIMENSION GONNA CHARGE YOU
FOR THE PEE STAIN YOU LEFT ON THE DRUM SEAT?
SHUT UP. LOOK,
DIMENSION SUCKS, MAN.
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR TH. I SAW THEM OPEN FOR TULL,
THEY GOT BOOED OFF THE STAGE.
THANKS A LOT, MAN.
[MOUTHING] Hey, Lindsay, we have to talk.
Daniel: SO ARE WE GONNA REHEARSE AT YOUR HOUSE TODAY...
[MOUTHING] You are such a slut.
Nick: NO. IT'S COOL. WE JUST GOTTA BE OUT BY 5:00.
Daniel: HEY, LET'S PLAY SOME REAL SONGS FOR ONCE.
I WROTE OUT SOME IGGY POP AND RAMONES SONGS.
THE RAMONES? THE RAMONES ONLY PLAY, LIKE, 3 CHORDS, MAN.
ALL RIGHT, SO I'LL LEARN ANOTHER ONE.
I GOTTA PEE.
I HEARD YOU JUMPED HIM.
WHAT?
YOU DON'T HAVE T
O ACT INNOCENT, LINDSAY,
I KNOW YOU'RE A SLUT.
Neal: I'M PRETTY SURE CINDY DIDN'T SEE YOU.
AND IF SHE DID, IT WAS JUST WITH HER PERIPHERAL VISION.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T BE BAD IF PEOPLE SAW MY BACK.
BUT MY FRONT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY, YOU KNOW?
MAYBE I COULD TRANSFER TO ANOTHER SCHOOL.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
HEY, WEI
R, THAT WAS FUN IN GYM CLASS TODAY, HUH?
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I HEARD THEY'RE BRINGING IN THE PSYCHIATRIST
FOR ALL THE KIDS WHO HAD TO SEE YOU NAKED.
SHUT UP, ALAN.
Girls: THERE HE IS! WHOO!
HEY, SAM, I HEARD YOU STREAKED!
WAY TO GO!
[CHEERING]
HEY, SHUT UP!
ALL RIGHT, SAM.
YOU GUYS ARE LOSERS, AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.
HOW COME YOU'RE THE ONE RIDING HOME WITH NO FRIENDS?
YOU'RE LIKE A GOD.
PEOPLE ARE GONNA WORSHIP YOU.
[PLAYING ALONG WITH RECORDING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ON RECORDING]
I PLAY SO MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU'RE AROUND.
HEY, I WANT TO PLAY IT AGAIN. PUT MORE DRY ICE IN THE BUCKET.
SURE.
THANKS.